


Lost Inside

by OneLetteredWonder



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Anorexia, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, Bulimia, F/F, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Nyotalia, Psychopathology & Sociopathy, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-08-29 23:22:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8509558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OneLetteredWonder/pseuds/OneLetteredWonder
Summary: Amelia just wants to be perfect for her parents. She tried so hard to be their perfect little girl, even if it meant harming herself in the process. She doesn't belong in the mental hospital. They could never make her feel better. She doesn't belong here no matter what the others say. They're the ones who are in pain. Not her.





	1. New Life

**Author's Note:**

> This story is loosely based off of Patricia McCormick's book _Cut. ___

Amelia opens her eyes slowly. She takes a slow breath in and releases it even slower. Her body aches like she's been working it to the bone for years. Her chest feels heavy as she keep breathing. She doesn't feel right. Something is wrong. She tilts her head to one side, then to the other. Her head feels like it weighs ten extra pounds. The lights are too bright and the bed is uncomfortable. She squints up at the ceiling. She doesn't like it, something is wrong. She doesn't feel like she fits in this room. She doesn't belong in this space. It's not right.

She inhales sharply as she realizes. She doesn't recognize the walls around her. She doesn't know where she is. She swivels her head back and forth, eyes wide, trying to find something familiar in the room encasing her. The walls are white, too white, the bed creaks underneath her. There's nothing besides her, the bed, and a rolling tray. She winces when she tries to sit up. She flops back down with a huff. It hurts. Tears start to well up in her eyes, but she pushes them back. Where is she?

She remembers the pain on her skin. She lifts her head and shakes away her tears. Running up and down her arms are cuts, criss crossing and stitching her together. She leans back and focuses on breathing. She knows there are more, running along her thighs and a few across her stomach. She's lost count of how many she's made. There are too many memories she would rather not remember. She rolls to her side and curls up on herself. She holds back her tears, now is not the time to cry. You're stronger than that. A voice that sounds like her father's echoes in her head. She sucks up her hurt and sits up again.

She places a hand to her increasing headache. She blinks a few more times. It's too bright. The room is too unfeeling. She swallows hard. Where is she? How did she get here? There's a door in front of her, and while part of her wants to run out and run away from the room with the too white walls, she knows she can't. She doesn't have the strength for that. It took so much to just sit up. There's no way she could handle running. Not now. Her stomach twists. It grumbles at her. When is the last time she ate? When is the last time she managed to keep her food down?

The door opens. She snaps her head up to the man now entering her room. She swallows again when the man smiles at her. Not a condescending smile, but a look that one would use with a frightened animal. That's what Amelia feels like. She's in a cage, and this is the hand that feeds her. Now she has to wonder if she'll bite it or not. The man has brown hair long enough to be tied into a small ponytail. His white uniform blends in with the bland walls around him. He's carrying a clipboard and a glass of water.

"Hello Miss Jones," He says quietly. He steps closer and Amelia flinches. He pauses. Amelia blinks to herself. She doesn't know why she had that reaction. The nurse holds out the water to her more, a peace offering. Amelia gulps and holds out her hands. The man steps forward again, slower this time, and places the glass in her hands. She drinks it down before he starts to talk.

"My name is Daniel Héderváry, I'm a psychology assistant here at Growing Tree Institute for Girls," He lowers the clipboard. Amelia gulps again. He's still smiling at her. She looks down to the blanket covering her legs. She doesn't want to answer him. She doesn't know what to say or how to react to this situation. Institute for girls? She raises a hand and grips at her hair. What is she doing here? The nurse steps forward again and she looks up to him. He gently sits at the edge of the bed to not sit on her.

"Can you tell me why you're here Amelia?" She just stares at him. Her father is yelling at her in her head. Telling her so many times that she has to be the best. She has to work harder and be the better one out of everyone else. Amelia tried. She tried so hard. After all that time practicing she managed to secure her spot as the head cheerleader, a symbol of pep and goody two shoes. She studied well into the night to be the smartest girl in school. Her grades are top notch and all the teachers love her. She's everyone's idol, because she's not a mean person either. She's just genuinely nice and good at what she does. She's dating the most popular boy in school.

Her father had been proud at first when she came home with her grades. A's reigned over her report cards. Then her father realized they were not all plused. How could she make valedictorian when her grades aren't the best they could be? Her father had yelled, telling her to study harder, but not until she became more flexible to become the flyer of the cheerleading drills. So she worked out to be the smallest and lightest one. He didn't care how she did It, as long as she did what she was told. He wanted her to be the center of attention, and be in the spotlight. Who cares how she got there, as long as she did.

Her mother stood by and watched, sometimes she would nod her head along with her father's ranting, but never said a word. Amelia wanted her father to be proud. He wouldn't be proud until she had perfect grades, the perfect boy-an absolute smart gentleman, the perfect body, and the perfect life. He degraded her. She could do better, she could be smarter, she could be prettier. Amelia tried. She really did. Everything had to be perfect.

She shakes her head at the question but lifts her arms out to show them to the ceiling. The nurse scribbles something quick on his clipboard. When had she started doing this to herself? Had it been after the first time she tried out for cheerleading? She had made it on the team, but the position hadn't been good enough. There's a line for that. Somewhere. Hidden underneath all the others. Her father would yell, but he never hit her. He tried to punish her by sending her to her room to work out, or study, or think about how she could do better next time. She knew she wouldn't learn that way.

She snuck downstairs late in the night and stole a knife from the kitchen. A typical steak knife with a jagged edge. They had plenty, no one would miss it. She locked her door. It started slow. She winced with the pain at first. The skin on the inside of her arm tugged with the groove on the knife. It took a lot of strength not to curl her arm up and stop. She tried hard not to tighten her muscle to not change the line near her elbow. The line had to be straight. It had to be a perfect mark on her imperfect skin.

"Miss Jones," She slowly raises her eyes to meet his. He's still smiling at her. Her fingers twitch. She can't stop the sick thought that he's judging her, waiting for her to slip on something, to see the imperfections.

"Is there anything you would like to say to me?" Amelia can feel her throat close up. There's no words that she can come up with. She tries. She opens her mouth and sucks in air, but no noise comes out. She exhales and looks away. She upset with herself. She should be able to talk. She should know the words to say and be strong enough to say them. She squeezes her eyes shut. How disappointing. She can't do it. She should be able to. A few more tears well up in her eyes. She wipes them away quickly. She's stronger than that.

She shakes her head. The nurse is quiet, then he sighs. He scribbles another something onto his clipboard and stands. Amelia watches as he goes to the door. Part of her wants to scream, the other part wants to die. He opens the door and gives her another smile before leaving her all alone in the room with white walls. It starts to spin in her vision. She looks around and spots a trash can. She leans over the edge of the bed and grabs it. She's throwing up before she realizes. It burns with no food in her stomach.

The bucket is in her lap. The smell of vomit doesn't affect her. She staring mindlessly at the wall in front of her. The door opens again and the nurse from before steps in. His smile slips off his face when he notices the smell, and consequently what she's done. He steps over right away and takes the bucket from her. Immediately there is a light in her eyes. She blinks at the flashlight shining in her face. The nurse sighs and hands her another glass of water. She takes it and just as eagerly drinks.

"Did you do that on purpose?" He asks softly. Amelia pauses. She doesn't know. She shakes her head slowly. Her fingers are dry. Or they are now. She grimaces. The nurse sighs again.

"Can you stand?" Amelia removes the blanket off her legs. She flips them off the side and touches them to the floor. Her favorite tennis shoes are on her feet. She runs her hands down her jeans, thankful for the fact they are covering more of her scars. She pushes off the bed and stands. Her head starts to swim from the lack of nutrients in her body. She grips at her head and sits once again. The nurse is kneeling in front of her, looking up at her with warm green eyes. Amelia takes a deep breath and stands again. She's determined to stand now. She has to be strong.

The nurse smiles when she can hold her ground. He walks towards the door and waves her on to follow. She grabs the blanket from the bed and follows him, thankful he doesn't mention it. She wraps it over her shoulders and hugs it tight. The t-shirt she's wearing does nothing to stop the cold from the hallway, or hide her scars. She pulls it tighter. He walks next to her as he leads away from the secluded room. All the walls are white and all the workers are wearing white. Some give her sympathetic smiles, other do not change their expression. They stop near a reception styled desk.

"This is where you can see your schedule." Amelia scowls. She didn't know she would get a schedule. She doesn't know anything. She looks up at the board taking up a chunk of the wall. It's a white board sectioned off into times of day with names at the side. She spots her name at the top. A breath leaves her. Now it's starting to feel real. She's really in a hospital. She's really there. He breathing sharpens and her head feels light. Immediately she's sat on the ground and pressed against the wall. The nurse is staring at her. He's saying something. Amelia can't focus. Her breathing is too hard. She looks at his lips. Whispering words she can't register. She recognizes the word he's mouthing. Breathe.

She takes a deep breath and holds it till she can't no longer. The air comes easier then. His voice is cutting through the fog in her head. She can hear him now, telling her to breathe slowly and lean against the wall fully. She listens, not taking her eyes off the green of his. They are constant and unwavering in their determination to get her to calm down. There's water from somewhere. She takes it carefully, afraid she'll drop it. The nurse sits beside her, not close enough to touch her, but close enough so she can feel him next to her.

"Do you get panic attacks often?" He asks her. There's another woman standing in front of her now. Amelia shakes her head. She's only ever had that feeling twice before. Once before a test, and once before going home. She found a way to mask the feeling with a smile. The overwhelming sense of 'this is real' hit her too hard. She couldn't handle it. She scolds herself. She should have been stronger than that. The woman in front of her kneels down now to be eye level.

"Miss Jones yes?" She says. Amelia thinks her voice sounds like summertime. She nods to her question. The woman smiles brightly then.

"My name is Carmen Carriedo, I'm the personal therapist here," She holds out her hand tentatively. Amelia stares at. It takes her a second to remember to shake it. She does so and the woman smiles wider. She stands back to her full height and the man beside her does the same. He holds down a hand to her and she takes it. She leans against the wall still, trying to keep her balance. Her head hurts.

When she feels up to walking again, they explain the board to her. It's a set schedule, the same thing everyday except for Saturday and Sunday. Amelia's eyes linger on the word therapy far longer than she would have liked. She's here and she should get over it. She sniffs hard and turns away from the board. The adults with her take that as a sign to move forward.

There are twists and turns and hallways and doors and far too many things for Amelia to keep track of. They point out rooms to her as they pass. There's an art room and the group therapy room. Amelia tries not to wince at the word. Dr Carriedo points out her office, where Amelia will go tomorrow. They pass by the cafeteria and show her where the small gym is located, but she is warned she can't go there without an adult and permission from her therapist. Again she tries not to wince at the word. Dr Carriedo bids them goodbye and walks back to her office.

"Tomorrow you will get into schedule, your roommate will help you out." Nurse Héderváry says. Amelia snaps her eyes to him. She didn't hear anything about a roommate. She looks back to her feet. She thought the room before would be her room. She doesn't know whether to be happy or sad that she will be with someone else. It's bad enough she has to figure out how to act with the doctors. Now she has to figure out how to act with the other people. The other patients. She gulps. She's a patient now.

Nurse Héderváry leads her down a hallway labeled 'young patient's wing 2', a further confirmation of what she now is. There's a loud yell from up ahead. The nurse beside her just sighs. Amelia slows down her steps when they come up on a recreational room. There's a few board games scattered about and a gaming system attached to a TV. From her peek in spot, she can see other girls, maybe around her age, sitting on a couch. Some have controllers in their hands. The screen is showing a video game.

"Julchen, what have I told you about yelling?" Nurse Héderváry scolds one of them. A girl on the couch with long white hair just flicks up a peace sign, not taking her eyes off the screen. She lets out another yell of sorts when an explosion happens on screen. The nurse sighs.

"Julchen please come meet your new roommate." That gets a reaction. The word pause is now flashing on the screen and several pairs of eyes are now looking their way. Amelia's eyes widen when she realizes they are looking at her. She turns her head away sharply. The girl with white hair gets up from the couch and struts over. The others start to whisper. Amelia now gets a good look at her 'new roommate.' Her hair is messy and has fly away's all over. Her eyes are violet, bordering on red. She has a scratch under her right eye. Julchen smirks wildly. She sticks out her hand for Amelia to shake. Amelia does so, after staring at it for a minute.

"So you're the new girl huh? Nice to meet ya, awesome to finally have a roommate too. Yikes I've been without one for a while. Stick with me and I'll show you the ropes," Julchen winks and heads back to her spot on the couch. Amelia blinks into the room. All the girls are wearing some sort of grey clothing. There are five of them.

Nurse Héderváry waves her on. She follows him to a room near the end of the hall. He opens the door and ushers her inside. It's walls are white too. The right side of the room has a messy bed and a few clothing items on top of it. Amelia turns to the left and sits on the perfectly made bed. The nurse smiles at her and walks away, leaving the door open for her to go to the recreational room. Amelia doesn't. She doesn't know what to do. Part of her wants to be social, to go over to the others and talk and pretend to be happy and go lucky, pretend she doesn't belong there. The other part wants to be mean, be rude and be all the things her father told her not to be. She spends so long debating that her decision is made for her.

"Yo hey girl, so since you're new here and all, Nurse Héd said we could both eat in here today, which is cool, cause no one really gets to eat in their rooms." Julchen comes sweeping in with two trays in her hands. Her smirk is a mile wide. Amelia blinks at one of the trays when Julchen hands it to her. She flickers her gaze from the food to the expression of Julchen's face.

"It ain't gunna bite ya," Julchen snickers. Amelia finally gets her motor controls working. She takes the tray. There's an apple and a carton of milk. There's a plastic fork atop a mound of spaghetti. Amelia wiggles back on her bed and places the tray on her lap. She goes for the apple. Julchen is tearing into her food, not caring that sauce is dribbling down her chin. Amelia doesn't look away, until Julchen locks eyes with her. Amelia jumps a little at being caught and bites her apple. Julchen points her fork at her.

"What you here for anyway?"Amelia pauses in her chewing. She puts the apple back on the tray. How is she supposed to answer this? Many others will ask. Before she just showed her scars as explanation to the nurse. She repositions the blanket around her to hide the scars better. Swallowing her apple bite proves more difficult than she thought. She opens her mouth and inhales, and no words come out. They get caught in her throat once more. She releases the air and turns her head to the side. There's no way for her to answer that. Not yet. Not when she has no idea what she's doing.

"Oooookay, well hey you don't have tell me now. I get it," Julchen shrugs and chugs her milk carton. Amelia glances at her. Julchen scratches at her hair maniacally.

"No one here is gunna make you say anything you don't wanna." Another shrug. Julchen digs back into her pasta. Amelia cautiously bites her apple once more. She probably won't touch the pasta.

"I'm here for manic depressive bipolar disorder, a bit of depression thrown in," Julchen laughs at her words. Amelia stares at her wide eyed. She has no idea how Julchen could be so calm about her diagnosis. Amelia knows she would be freaking out and upset about actually having a disorder. It's not right. She had to be the perfect little girl, and being mental, isn't perfect. She shakes her head violently.

"You alright?" Julchen asks with a mouthful of apple. Amelia nods quickly. She has to be fine. She has to be strong. She takes the tray and places it on the table next to the bed. She takes the carton and chugs it then takes a deep breath. She'll be fine. She just has to show she is fine, and she can get out soon enough. She places the empty carton on the tray and turns into the covers. A few minutes later she hears Julchen taking her tray. Probably back to the cafeteria.

She doesn't say a word when Julchen tells her goodnight. It's not until an hour after lights are out does she hear the crying. It's not coming from Julchen, the girl is already out. She sits up and listens to the noises coming through the door. Small sobs and hiccups. Amelia grimaces and hides her head under her pillow. She is stronger than her tears. She won't cry.


	2. Week One

Amelia wakes up to Julchen shaking her, leaning over her face. She sucks in a breath sharply, almost as if to scream, nothing but huffs come out. Julchen smirks at her and stands back to her full height.

"Come on, get dressed, it's breakfast hour." Julchen angles her head to the door. Amelia takes another deep breath and sits up, cautious to hide her arms under the blankets. She manages to get out of bed without getting dizzy and paddles to the drawer on her side of the room. There's a comfy looking pair of dark grey sweats right on top. She glances to Julchen behind her, biting at her nails. When she notices Amelia staring at her, she smirks and turns around to face the wall. Amelia quickly trades her jeans for the sweats to get some clean clothes on her body. She's right, the sweats are comfy.

In another drawer she finds a long lighter colored grey sweatshirt. She tugs the material on, making sure it covers her arms completely. She yanks on her shoes and the noise alerts Julchen she is done changing. Her roommate smiles wide and waves her on down the hall. Staying true to her word, Julchen points out the important rooms. The doctors showed her them yesterday but the refresher is nice. She tries to remember them. Julchen leads her to the cafeteria. Now Amelia starts to panic. She reaches out for Julchen unconsciously. She pulls back when her roommate swivels around to face her.

Julchen raises an eyebrow at her before smiling, a soft smile. Amelia gulps. Julchen takes Amelia's hand and leads it to the corner of her shirt. She then continues to walk on, not at all bothered by Amelia holding onto her. Amelia feels a pang of gratitude for the silent acceptance of help. Julchen tells her all about which foods to not eat, like the bacon or the cartoned chocolate milk. She says the pancakes however, are one of the few awesome breakfast foods. Julchen hands her a tray, forcing her to let go of her grip on the shirt. She does so with a shaky intake of air. Julchen smiles widely at her, taking her own tray.

They weave through the groups of other girls there. Most of them are older. There's one table with girls her age, the one Julchen is leading her too. Her roommate places her tray down and motions for Amelia to sit next to her on the edge so she doesn't have to worry about others next to her. It's only when Amelia fiddles with her milk carton does she realize how quiet the table is. She glances next to her. Julchen is eating, not giving a damn about introductions, but the other girls there are staring her down. She gulps and looks back to her food. Food that looks strangely unappetizing.

"You're Amelia yes?" She looks up at her name. The girl at the fair end is blinking her big eyes at her. Her black hair is swept up into two buns on either side of her head. She's small. Amelia nods once. The girl giggles out, covering her face with her too long sleeves.

"I'm Chun-yan, it's nice to meet you," She smiles brightly. Amelia is once again in shock over how happy someone is being in a place like this. Amelia musters up a smile, it's hard to. She doesn't feel right here. Chun-yan's smile falters when she doesn't respond back with words. Amelia opens her mouth, but closes it, not wanting to try and fail again. Why bother trying if she can't do it.

"It is rude to not speak back da?" The girl next to Julchen speaks then, leaning over the table some to get a good look at Amelia. Her eyes are cold and violet. Amelia stares back at her. She's unsure how to respond, that's why she doesn't. Part of her wants to be smiley and be sweet, the other part wants to tell this girl with long blonde hair to shove it where the sun don't shine. Julchen steps in.

"Amelia is a little off her game right now leave her be Anya," This Anya lets her coldness drop in exchange for a pout. Amelia goes back to fiddling with her milk carton. She debates if she really wants to open it. A hand takes it from her. She blinks into the open space. It's suddenly replaced with an open carton. She glances up at Julchen shoving a forkful of pancake in her face.

"I'm Lene," Amelia turns her attention to the girl sitting across from Julchen. Her hair is shorter than Anya's, cropped close to her head, but near the same color. She has a cross clip in her hair. Amelia nods to her and tries for a smile again. Lene nods back at her, satisfied with the response, then goes back to drawing patterns on the table with her finger. Amelia drinks her milk slowly. She takes a deep breath then starts to eat. The food feels weird going into her mouth. She thinks of a good time to let it go, thinks of when she can get alone long enough to remove the offending food from her.

"Oh I'm sorry I'm late I was taking a shower and forgot how long it actually takes to shower and then blow dry hair and oh my I'm sorry," A girl with brown hair bounces into the seat across from her. Her hair is pulled into a high ponytail and her smile is only faltering slightly. She connects eyes with Amelia.

"You must be Amelia! Oh it's nice to meet you! Oh geez I was late and everything I'm so sorry," The girl covers her mouth with her hands and Amelia blinks at the horrified look on her face. She removes her hands and starts to twitch them. Lene turns to her and holds her hands still.

"Breathe Felicia," Lene commands. The brunette inhales deeply and holds it for a moment, then release. Her smile is back on her face. She turns back to Amelia.

"I'm Felicia," She says smiling widely. Amelia tries once more to smile at her. It comes out more a grimace. Felicia's smile falters just a little, but her attention is taken by the food in front of her. Amelia eats slowly, not wanting to rush her food. Bread takes a lot of time to get out of her system, and it's hard to digest. She wants it out as soon as the half she does it is gone. She fidgets in her seat. She can feel her body rejecting the food already. It's such a habit to just remove it, her stomach is ready. She feels sick.

"We'll see you guys later, gotta show newbie her schedule," Julchen elbows her and stands. Amelia is quick to follow. She glances back at the table once last time before leaving the cafeteria. Felicia catches her looking and waves. Amelia raises her hand just enough to make it count.

She toddles after Julchen, walking down the halls like she owns the place. Amelia wraps her hands around her arms. She doesn't feel right in these halls. She can't help feel like she doesn't belong. Julchen smiles at her over her shoulder. They come to the whiteboard near the reception desk. Nurse Héderváry is there. He waves politely to them as they approach.

"Being a good roommate Julchen?" The nurse asks. Julchen scoffs like she's offended by the question.

"Of course," She sticks her tongue out at him. Amelia's eyes widen at the familiarity between the two. How long has Julchen been there to be that friendly with the doctors? Amelia remembers to breathe. Julchen belongs here. She doesn't. Amelia steps up next to her.

"Okay so we just had breakfast," She points to a time slot near Amelia's name. Amelia follows her finger up to where her name is written. She gulps. Her memory of her panic attack from yesterday comes back. All of it still feels too real and too fake to her.

"So now you'll.. Huh. Slow walk. You have an eating disorder?" Julchen gives her an incredulous look and Amelia refuses to meet her eyes. Nurse Héderváry tenses at the question and gives Julchen a warning to mind her manners of people's personal issues. Julchen waves him off.

"Okay so I'll walk you over to the gym where they'll do their thing. Felicia could probably show you where Dr Carriedo's office is. She has her single session before you," Julchen nods along to her own plan. Amelia can only nod along with her. She has no idea what she's supposed to do, but everyone is willing to help her. It's a first for her. Her father always told her to figure it out, do it yourself, you're a big girl do it alone. She shakes her head to rid herself of the tears. Julchen nudges her and waves her on down the hall. She leads her to the gym.

There are a few treadmills and a few weight machines. It's not a big room, and there are even fewer people. Across the room is Felicia, shifting from foot to foot with another male nurse next to her. Julchen yells out to her and waves. Felicia looks up immediately and smiles brightly. The nurse smiles at her too. Julchen walks Amelia over to the two of them by the exit door.

"Thank you for leading Miss Jones here Julchen," The nurse says in a way of dismissal. Julchen winks with a click of her tongue and struts out. Felicia giggles at her.

"Hello Miss Jones, my name is Dr Noah Zwingli, I'm the fitness director." He holds out his hand and Amelia shakes it cautiously. The man is shorter than she's used to seeing and he's got a purple string tied in his hair. He's soft and sweet. He leads them outside and Felicia steps out after him. Amelia takes a deep breath and follows. It's early enough in the morning and not hot out. Dr Zwingli waves them on. Felicia walks on ahead of him. Amelia steps after her, peeking over her shoulder towards the fitness director. He waves her on, walking with them, but at a distance away.

"It's to give us space if we want it," Felicia informs her. Amelia nods in understanding. It's like false freedom. She stares at her feet as they walk along the path paved around the building. Felicia talks for them.

"So you're really quiet and I don't know why that is. Is it because you don't want to talk? That's okay you know. We don't mind. Unless it's just me. Oh god I didn't make you mad some how did I? I'm sorry I didn't mean to.." Felicia rambles and Amelia scrunches up her eyebrows at her. She's freaking out over nothing. Nothing happened for her to even try to be mad at Felicia. Why would she think that? Felicia catches her confused expression and covers her face with her hands.

"Oh I did it again I'm sorry I don't mean to really I just can't stop and I'm sorry and I just. Im sorry." Amelia blinks wide eyed as Felicia nearly starts to cry on her. She torn between wanting to be cheerful and telling her it okay and talking over her, or snapping and telling her to shut up and that's she freaking out over nothing and it's annoying. She settles on placing a hand on Felicia's arm in what she hopes is a reassuring manner. Felicia peeks through her fingers at her. She sniffs and rubs at her nose with the back of her hand.

"I'm sorry, I can't help questioning everything and freaking out. I know it gets annoying and I try not to and I'm sorry. I just. I'm sorry I have really bad anxiety. Over everything." Amelia squeezes her arm. She doesn't know why Felicia's apologizing. She didn't do anything. Amelia doesn't know much about anxiety. Not enough to know what Felicia is going through. Not enough to know why she feels the need to question everything. Felicia manages to smile at her. Amelia has been questioning a lot about what she should do, but she knows she wants to smile back at her. So she does. Felicia's face blooms back into a smile.

"I'm sorry I'm talking so much, what about you? Why are you here?" Amelia's smile slips away. She goes back to watching her feet. She gathers her courage and turns back to Felicia. Her mouth is open and there's air in her lungs. She closes her mouth again. Felicia's eyes widen and she wraps her in a hug.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked. I should have known you didn't want to say anything I'm sorry please don't hate me." Amelia hugs her back, utterly baffled by why she's apologizing once again. She rubs small circles on her back, hoping to convey the message that it's okay. Dr Zwingli comes closer, asking if everything is okay. Felicia says yes and Amelia nods. They walk in silence for the rest of their walk. Amelia is confused as to how she feels about that. She rather liked Felicia talking. It was nice listening for a change instead of having to talk.

Felicia leads her to a classroom styled room at the end of their walk hour. Most of the other girls are in there, spread out away from each other. She waves to Felicia when she heads down the hall. Amelia takes a deep breath and walks inside. A woman with long brown hair is sitting in the corner reading a book. She smiles when Amelia comes in but doesn't speak to her. The other girls don't look at her. Except for Julchen. She puts a finger to her lips in a quiet gesture. Amelia doesn't think she'll have a problem with that. Julchen points to a desk near the front with an envelope on it. Amelia goes for it and see's her name on the top.

She slides into the seat and opens the folder. She recognizes the printouts. It's parts of her textbooks from school. She thinks back to the schedule board. Productive hour. She glances around her at the other girls. Chun-yan is also doing school work and so is Julchen. Lene is reading a book and Anya is knitting. Amelia twists her nose up at the work. She starts, wanting to get it done as quickly as possible. It's more difficult now without a teacher. She's studied by herself of course but this is basically teaching herself. She's getting frustrated. At her work and at herself. She hates that she can't do it. She wants to do it. She can't. It hurts. She puts her pencil down and leans back. She wants to dig something into her skin. She jerks at the realization.

Maybe she does belong here.

She shakes her head and goes back to working. She completes almost all of it by the time Felicia enters the room. She taps Amelia on the shoulder and waves her excitedly out of the room. Amelia puts her things back in the folder and walks out after her. She notices Julchen's worried look as she leaves. Felicia breathes a sigh of relief once they're outside and the door is closed.

"I hate the quiet in there. Oh! I need to show you where Dr Carriedo's office is," Felicia claps her hands excitedly. Amelia wonders if she'll ever get over the shock of people being happy in this facility. Amelia does her best to try and remember where the office is so she can get to it herself next time. Felicia gives her a hug and tells her good luck with her first session. Amelia raises her fist and quietly knocks on the door. She can hear steps and the door is opened.

"Ah Miss Jones, right on time. Come in," Dr Carriedo steps aside to let her in. Amelia walks in slowly. She raises her arms to hold herself. The office is not white. It's a dark wood brown. There is carpet. And a couch. Dr Carriedo gestures to the couch. Amelia sits on it, not wanting to lay down. She toes off her shoes to wiggle them on the carpet though. The action makes Dr Carriedo smile.

"How are you doing your first day Miss Jones?" Dr Carriedo takes her clipboard and sits in an armchair just a few feet from the couch. Amelia shrugs. The day had been good. Except for the need to throw up, and the need to break her skin. She won't tell her that though. Felicia is sweet, just a little apologetic. Julchen is helpful for sure. She has no opinion of the others yet.

"Anything exciting happen?" Dr Carriedo is still smiling like summertime. Amelia watches her for a moment. Her dark brown hair is elegantly done up in a bun. She gulps. She blinks down at the floor. She takes a deep breath and looks back up to her therapist. The air catches. This is her therapist. She needs a therapist. Amelia goes back to glaring at the floor. She puts her feet back in her shoes. She clenches her hands on her knees.

"Amelia?" She doesn't look up. The words keep stopping. She doesn't know what to say. Part of her wants to speak and talk like nothing is wrong and everything is fine. Another part of her wants to scream and break things, including herself. She remains silent.

"Amelia, I want you to know, that you can tell me anything," She looks up that. Dr Carriedo's summertime smile is now replaced with a softer spring smile. Amelia nods in acknowledgment. She knows she's supposed to tell her therapist things, isn't that what people do? But how? What is she supposed to say? She opens her mouth, she wants to ask, she wants to know what she's supposed to say. A little voice in her head tells her she's supposed to know already, that she should have figured it out on her own, she shouldn't need help. Amelia shakes her head to get rid of the tears wanting to spill out. She can't cry.

Dr Carriedo's smile lessens at her behavior. She taps her pen to her mouth. Amelia ignores it. She only shrugs when questions are asked. Maybe she'll nod, or shake her head, but the questions aren't yes or no. They're open ended to prompt her to talk. Amelia doesn't know if she can.

"Amelia our session is almost over," Dr Carriedo informs her suddenly. Amelia snaps up to look at her. The session is almost over? But nothing happened. Isn't she supposed to be cured by now? Amelia is hit with a sudden wave of realization. In order for Dr Carriedo to help her, she needs to tell her what's wrong. She doesn't know what to say. She can't ask, so Dr Carriedo won't tell her. It's a never ending cycle. Dr Carriedo stands and puts her clipboard on the desk behind the armchair. She walks over to the door and gives another springtime smile to her.

"Amelia I want you to know something." She begins. Amelia stands and goes to the door. Dr Carriedo smiles down at her.

"It's okay to not know things sometimes."

Julchen is waiting outside. She smiles and asks how the session went. Amelia shrugs. Dr Carriedo's words still in her head. She's trying to comprehend them. Her father always said she should know. She should figure things out by herself. She doesn't need other people to help her. What if Dr Carriedo is right? What if she can not know things? She shakes her head and ignores Julchen's odd look.

They sit together at lunch with the other girls again. Felicia is talking mostly, sometimes Chun-yan will talk too. Once Julchen is done with her food she starts in on the conversation. Amelia picks at her food. The pancakes from breakfast still in her are making her upset. She wants it out. She glances at Felicia's plate. There's still a lot of food on it. She narrows her eyes. Felicia didn't eat a lot at breakfast either before their walk. A walk designated specifically for them. Eating Disorder. She stares at Felicia's face, smiling and laughing. Amelia lets the pang of sadness hit her. Felicia isn't eating. She barely eats the rest of her food herself.

Felicia walks with her to the gym to go another one of their slow walks to make sure they're getting exercise but not overdoing it. Amelia remembers working out till she threw up or passed out. It had hurt her so much to do so. Her body couldn't take the pressure. She kept at it though. She needed to be the perfect daughter and to do so she needed to get more fit. She sighs.

"So how was your first single session? Oh I forgot you're not talking I'm sorry. My session went okay. I started crying, again." Felicia laughs awkwardly. Amelia watches her talk with a soft smile. She likes listening. She finds it soothing. All her life her father and friends wanted to hear about her. It's nice to have someone who can talk for her. Felicia says sorry twenty more times, at least, before the walk is over.

They walk together to the classroom for another productive hour. Lene is gone this time. Amelia takes her seat in the front and goes back to finishing her folder of work. She goes over it two more times to make sure she understands. Just because she's in the institute doesn't mean she can fall behind. She shakes away her thoughts. Part of her wants to do all the work, the other wants to burn it. The hour is up and the woman at the desk stands. She claps her hands and a smile crosses her features.

"Time for group!" She announces and waltzes out of the room. The girls all put their things in their folders and follow her. Amelia scrambles to keep up. Julchen and Felicia hang back to make sure she can get there. The room they lead her to is across from Dr Carriedo's office. Lene steps out of it once they're close. Her face is still expressionless. The woman in the classroom opens the door and the girls follow. Some of them are breathing easier having to not force quiet. Felicia and Chun-yan are talking energetically. Anya puts in her own comments.

"Alright girls take your seats," The woman waves them to the semicircle in front of a lone chair. The woman takes the chair. Julchen grabs her arm and pushes her to a chair on the fair end of the semicircle. Julchen winks and takes a seat next to her. The woman notices her.

"Ah you must be Amelia, I'm Marianne Bonnefoy, the group therapist leader." She winks at Amelia. Julchen snickers when Amelia turns her head down sharply. Group therapy starts awkwardly. Dr Bonnefoy asks a question and no one responds. Julchen breaks the silence by sighing and answering the typical how does everyone feel today crap. Felicia is next to go, accidentally speaking far longer than she planned and apologizing ten times before Anya takes her hands and tells her to breathe.

Amelia listens as everyone answers the question. She stops breathing when it occurs that it's her turn to answer the question. She looks at the girls waiting for her to answer. She opens her mouth, feels her chest tighten, and closes it. She turns away with a shrug as her answer. She wants to hide. She hates herself for not having the answers. Why can't she talk? What is stopping her?

She tries to ignore the group as they talk about their first time in the facility. It's Dr Bonnefoy's way of trying to make her comfortable enough to talk. It doesn't work. It makes Amelia want to say everything is fine and she's cheery and happy and she doesn't know why she's here. It also makes her want to throw her chair and scream she hates everything. She rubs at her arms. She wants to break them open.

Group ends and Amelia breathes a sigh of relief. Dr Bonnefoy comes over to her and asks her how she's doing, if she's okay, if she's fitting in. Amelia keeps a strained smile on her face and nods along. She doesn't want to talk to her. Not now. Not like this. She doesn't know what to say.

"Yo Amelia come on it's time to guess who's not gunna show up!" Julchen is her saving grace. She skips out quickly to her roommate, giving her a soft relieved smile. Julchen snickers and takes her hand. She swings their linked hands wildly explaining the game. Every weekday there is an hour where family and friends are allowed to visit. The game is guessing who is not going to have anyone show up for them. It's usually really easy, because usually no one shows up for anyone. Only if you're really lucky does someone show up during the weekday. Official visiting day is Saturday.

Julchen leads her to the recreational room and sits her on the couch. She throws an arm around her shoulder and brings her in for snuggling. Amelia smiles at the action. She doesn't remember the last time someone wanted to cuddle. She wiggles into Julchen, enjoying the heat the girl is giving off.

"I'm going to say no one for me!" Julchen calls out. The game starts. She dramatically raises a leg to cross it over the other. Chun-yan jumps from her perch on a chair.

"No one from me! My brother said he would try to visit soon though," She waves her arms in the air excitedly. Anya giggles and opens her arms up. Chun-yan crawls into her lap and smiles when Anya wraps her arms around her.

"My brothers said this weekend, so no one for me either." Anya rubs her face against Chun-yan's. They both giggle. Amelia blinks in curiosity at them. Felicia interrupts her train of thought.

"No one for me, I got my visitor yesterday," She giggles into her hand. Amelia watches her. The moment she's done laughing her expression falls sad. Amelia buries her head into Julchen's shoulder. She doesn't want to see sad Felicia. When she looks up the group looks to her and she shakes her head. She highly doubts her family would visit her. How could they stand to see their imperfect daughter.

"Where's Lene?' Julchen wiggles as much as she can with Amelia on her. They find Lene in the corner of the room with her arms out in front of her and her eyes closed. Amelia gets worried. She's not moving. Julchen laughs when she sees the expression on Amelia's face.

"Lene has got a form of schizophrenia that makes her freeze up from time to time, don't worry she'll be fine." Julchen waves flippantly at her explanation, like it's no big deal. Amelia lets panic rise in her. How could she be fine? She's in a mental facility. Amelia hides her face again. She doesn't really want to hear what Julchen describes as bad.

"I have some PTSD. I get really wild flashbacks sometimes. It makes me freak out," Chun-yan admits softly. Anya immediately starts to pet her and coo at her. Chun-yan pushes her face away at the sappiness. Amelia doesn't know what caused her to have PTSD at such an age but she's certain she doesn't want to find out.

"I have a mild form of sociopathy," Anya turns her cold gaze to Amelia. They stare at each other for a minute. They only stop when Julchen starts to freak out and tell them to stop before the room freezes like Lene. Felicia giggles at the comparison. They all sit around, talking to each other over mild nothings. Amelia is happy no one asked her why she is there. She fingers the edge of her sweatshirt. It'd be so easy to show them. It'd be so easy to tell them. But she can't.

Their game is easy. No one shows up. They all win. Felicia cheers and leads the way to the art room. Julchen explains that this is creative hour, a time where they are supposed to get out some mental activity, and so no staff has to deal with them. Dr Bonnefoy is there to watch them. Julchen sets her up at an easel and hands her a tray of paint. She winks and starts on her own painting.

Amelia stares at the blank canvas in front of her. She's never been creative with colors. It wasn't good enough for her. She couldn't be good enough with that. Everyone else is painting already. Felicia is singing softly to herself. Julchen is nodding along to the tune. Amelia sighs at the white. She glares at it. It reminds her too much of the white walls the day she came here. A sudden spike of anger at the white overcomes her. She lathers the paints on her hands in a flurry of movements. She sticks her hand to the white, a blue splotch now in the middle of the white. She takes a deep breath. A smile crosses her face.

She had never been allowed to make a mess before. It hadn't been right for her to do. She lathers more paints and starts flicking it at the canvas. She rubs her hands over it, mixing the colors and smearing paint. She's breathing heavily once all her paint is gone. Her canvas is completely covered. The paint is all mixed into odd colors she can't even recognize the original anymore. Her handprint in the beginning is still completely visible. She grins down at her hands completely covered in paint.

"Oh that's cool," Julchen comes over and stands next to her, smiling crookedly at the painting. Felicia peeks over and compliments it as well. Amelia blinks at it. It's completely wrong and messy and chaos on canvas. But it feels right. Amelia takes a deep breath. Dr Bonnefoy calls time. They move to the sinks at the side of the room. Amelia pauses. She doesn't want to push up her sleeves. She doesn't want to be exposed. She waits till everyone is done before she starts. She only pulls her sleeves up enough to not get them wet. Only the peaks of her scratches are shown.

"Amelia is everything alright?" Dr Bonnefoy comes up next to her, making her jump. She turns off the water and pulls down her sleeves, no longer caring if they get wet. She nods quickly and runs out. She doesn't want to explain herself. Not yet.

Dinner passes the same way every other meal had. With light conversation and Julchen opening her milk carton for her. Amelia doesn't know why she does it, but she's happy she does. She can feel herself smiling more. It's after dinner does she get her pain back. Her stomach hurts. There's too much in it. She wants it out. She manages to slip away from the group and find a restroom. It's empty. Amelia swallows down the lump in her throat. She closes herself in a stall and stares down at the toilet.

She's been here before. In this spot before. She can feel the debate in her. Don't do it. Do it. Don't do it. Do it. Her stomach bloats. She drops to her knees and before she can think her fingers are down her throat and what little she had of her chicken dinner is out of her system. She flushes before anyone can come in. She stumbles out of the stall in a daze. She clings to the edge of the sink and stares at her reflection in the mirror. She gasps as every imperfection comes crashing on top of her. Her face is too pudgy, her hair is not blonde enough, freckles are not cute, her stomach is too big, her skin isn't tan enough. She's not enough. She's not good enough. Amelia chokes back her sobs. She's stronger than her tears. She punches the mirror.

She doesn't scream when it shatters around her. She slips on the tile and lands on the ground in shock. Broken glass lays around her. Sharp glass. It's impulsive. She grabs a shard and hikes up one of her sleeves. The glass provides the release she wanted. The blood trickles down her arm from the cut near her elbow. She stands and wraps a paper towel around the wound and pulls down her sleeve. She's still standing in the mess when Julchen bursts in with Dr Carriedo in tow. Amelia starts breathing faster. What is she supposed to say? How does she fix this mess?

Julchen steps forward and wraps her in a tight hug. Amelia stops breathing. Dr Carriedo is looking like winter, staring at the ground and talking into a walkie talkie. Julchen is ordered to take her to the infirmary. Amelia hides her face in her hands when they exit. Her knuckles are bloody. The other girls are standing around the bathroom. Some are whispering, some are staring. Julchen glares at them all and wraps her arms protectively around Amelia's waist.

The infirmary asks questions. Nurse Héderváry is patching her hand up. He asks, and she ignores. The ceiling is very interesting. There are more questions once Dr Carriedo shows up. She asks about the smell of vomit and why the mirror broke. Amelia loses count of how many times she opens her mouth to tell them. Tell them everything. Her words catch, she doesn't know. She doesn't know. She's lost.

"Amelia," The way Dr Carriedo sounds like autumn gets her attention. She slowly tilts her head to face her therapist. Dr Carriedo musters a smile.

"Are you okay now?" Something about the way she asks it, like a mother should, like a concerned friend, like a trusted teacher. Amelia hikes up her sleeve to show the cut she made in the bathroom. Nurse Héderváry goes into action again to bandage her up. Dr Carriedo gives her a sad smile. Amelia smiles sadly back. She goes back to looking at the ceiling. A hand runs through her hair soothingly. Amelia is hit with the thought her parents never touched her tenderly like that.

She goes back to her room and changes into shorts. She climbs into bed and covers them up so no one coming can see. She plays with the bandage on her fingers. Why did she break the mirror? Why did she throw up? Why did she feel so disappointed in herself for doing so? She never felt bad after hurting herself. She never felt like the world would end when she finished throwing up. Why does it hurt now.

"Hey girlie," She inhales quickly at the voice. Julchen and the others are standing in the doorway. They all have worried looks on their faces. Amelia smiles but she knows it's wrong. It doesn't feel like the right kind of expression. She lets it drop. Julchen sighs.

"Are you doing alright? You gave us quite a scare there." Julchen rubs at the back of her head. Amelia nods, not wanting to be questioned anymore. Anya and Lene shrug and go away, Chun-yan follows after. Julchen enters the room and Felicia stays in the doorway. Julchen leans on the bed and hugs Amelia tight.

"Remember you can always come talk to us too okay?" Amelia nods. She knows. She knows they are there to help her. But how can she handle it? Julchen and Felicia go back to the recreational room for their free hours of the night. She falls asleep before lights out is even called.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lene is Nyo Norway


	3. Week Three

The next few weeks are spent the same way as the first. Meticulously and repetitive. Saturday comes around and some family shows up. Anya has her brothers and so does Chun-yan. Felicia freaks out and has a panic attack before her brother comes. Julchen and her watch TV while everyone else socializes.

It's been two full weeks since her incident. Most of the girls in her group have dropped it. Some still give her odd looks when she needs to go to the bathroom or shower. Julchen or Felicia always go with her now. It bugged her at first but she understands. She doesn't mind anymore. She needs to get over her need to throw up. She knows she does. It's hard though. It's hard to look in the mirror and tell herself she likes what she sees. Felicia understands that the most. She talks a lot about how she feels during their walks. Amelia finds she really likes listening to her talk. It's nice to listen.

Felicia tells her all about her brother and his angry disposition. She sometimes feels like he doesn't like her or wants to be there, but she sees him do silly things for her sometimes. Makes a weird face or says something funny or just shows up and it makes Felicia feel like he doesn't hate her. She talks about how she felt before she came here. Looking in the mirror and wanting something different. Amelia reaches out and holds her hand when she talks about how her grandpa always calls her perfect and how she feels she needs to live up to that expectation.

"It hurts sometimes, I try to eat, and I know you try to not throw up. Sometimes it just sucks because I know I have to. It's to get better, it's healthy, and yet. I don't want food." Amelia nods and squeezes her hand. She still has yet to say a word. She wants to. There have been plenty of times she could have. But she doesn't. She could be nice or mean. She has yet to find a middle ground. She's getting there. Sometimes she thinks she found an answer that's where she wants it to be, then she thinks no, no it can't be right. And stays silent.

They hold hands through their whole walk. It's nice. It's nice to hold someone's hand. Amelia think to her supposed boyfriend. The one her father deemed semi-worthy of his perfect little girl. She doesn't even like him. He's too uptight and stuffy. He's the president of student council and the smartest boy in the school. He may not play a sport, the only reason her father did not approve, but he had every other qualification her father liked. She didn't like him. She doubts he even knows she's here.

Amelia takes a deep breath outside Dr Carriedo's door, just like she has every time before. She knocks on the door. It opens with a summertime smile like always. Ever since her incident the first day, Dr Carriedo asks about it at least once a day. Amelia gets so close to telling her she hated the way she looked in the mirror. So close, everyday. One day she'll tell her therapist. But that is not today.

She answers the questions with nods and shrugs like everyday before. Dr Carriedo doesn't write much on her clipboard. Amelia is curious as to what she has written. One day she'll also tell about how her smiles feel like the seasons. They sit in silence for an hour everyday. Amelia doesn't want to talk. She does. But she doesn't. She'll figure it out. Soon.

During their walk after lunch Felicia is quiet. It frightens Amelia. Her friend is never quiet. She reaches out and places a hand on her shoulder. Felicia jumps at the contact and stares at her. She tries to smile then starts to cry. Amelia's eyes widen. She doesn't know what's wrong. She panics and grabs Felicia's face in her hands and stares at her. Felicia has her eyes closed. She taps her face to get her to open.

Felicia does and Amelia stares at her with the calmest expression she can manage. She pantomimes breathing in and out. Felicia breathing starts to slow. Her tears lessons and she relaxes into the hold. She wraps her arms around Amelia tightly. They hug for a minute, maybe longer. Amelia doesn't care. Felicia is no longer crying and Dr Zwingli is smiling from his spot behind them. It's now, with Felicia's arms around her, does Amelia realize.

There's a chance she does belong here. She had always thought that she would never get close enough to Felicia to be able to calm her down. She never believed she would be there long enough to learn how. She always thought it would be for the others to help Felicia when she panics for no reason, to tell her to breathe and reassure her that everything is okay and that she's not annoying. Amelia nearly starts crying at the sense of belonging she suddenly has. She pushes back the tears though. She hasn't cried yet and she doesn't plan to start now.

Felicia tells her about her single session with Dr Carriedo. They're going to start her on a new medication. The old one is not working. Amelia understands that. Recently, Felicia's panic attacks have doubled in amount and increased in the freak out level. Felicia had a moment of terror when she thought she would never be cured and would have to stay with her anxiety eating away at her brain for the rest of her life. Amelia squeezes her hand when appropriate.

Group therapy is terrible. Lene starts chanting in another language that she later tells them is about summoning demons. Anya describes how she would kill a person in excruciating detail which causes Felicia to burst into a wave of tears and freaking out that Anya would kill us all in our sleep. Amelia does not talk, but she smiles at them. Her sense of belonging is coming back. Her and Julchen are friends as well as they can be when one doesn't talk. Lene is more than willing to tell her about the demon circles and trolls, and she loves it. Her and Anya do not get along but Amelia loves the sense of competition Anya gives her. It's a healthy feeling, not a I must be better than you feeling, but more of a let's see who can be better and then let's try this.

Games get very extreme when they play. Amelia catches Anya smiling after though. A genuine smile. She's overheard Anya talking to Chun-yan about it. Anya is happy that someone isn't backing down from a fight with her like the others have. She has a competitor finally. Amelia likes it too. And Chun-yan helps her get over her urges to go back to her past ways. She knows how it feels to slip back into a past self. It's easiest when you remind yourself who you are now in this moment. Who you are now is a better person. Amelia is really starting to feel like part of the family.

They just finish calling off who would not show up when Dr Zwingli comes around the corner into their game room. They all freeze on the spot. No one is expecting anybody. Amelia jumps when his eyes find her.

"Miss Jones, you have a visitor," Dr Zwingli leaves the entryway. Amelia can feel all eyes on her. She hadn't been expecting anyone. Only her family knows she's there, supposedly. They wouldn't tell anyone that their perfect little girl is in a mental facility. They wouldn't visit either. Her _parents_ wouldn't. Amelia's eyes go wide in disbelief. For the first time since she's been there, she speaks.

"Maddie," It's breathy, nowhere near a whisper. She's out of the room and running to the visitor center before Julchen can ask her if she actually just talked. She can feel her muscles disagreeing with her. She hasn't worked out hard in so long. She doesn't care. She stomps into the visitor room, her steps catching the attention of the only person in there. The girl with long blonde pigtails jumps to her feet and meets Amelia halfway for a huge bear hug.

"Amelia oh my maple you're okay, I wanted to visit sooner but dad wouldn't let me and I said screw you today and oh Amelia you're okay you're alive. Thank maple," Madeline rambles in her ears and Amelia has trouble believing she's real. She feels real, her small body fitting into her arms and her hair tickling her nose when she buries her head into her sister's neck. Madeline's soft scent of maple syrup makes her hug her sister tighter. They move to the couch and Amelia doesn't let go of her hands. She needs to feel her to make sure she's sitting in front of her.

"I'm so glad you're okay, or getting okay. Dad is furious and he's started pushing his unreasonable standards on me," Madeline scrunches up her face in anger. Amelia flat out glares at the ground. She took the brunt of their father's 'I need a perfect daughter' feelings. She's older and Madeline is soft spoken. She bites her tongue. It's bad enough she is now in a mental facility because of his brainwashing, but to do it again, to the other sister, when it so obviously didn't work the first time sets her on edge.

"I'm not falling for his tricks though. He's selfish and mean. I can't believe he did that to you. I just want you to get better," Madeline squeezes her hands and Amelia releases an angry breath. Madeline tells her how their dad wanted to destroy Amelia's room in anger at her for being so weak. Amelia winced at that. She also winced at the part where their dad started calling Maddie their perfect little girl. Maddie said she told him to shove it because she wouldn't take that from him. She had seen what it did to her sister and would not follow in her path.

"The worst though is telling me to go after Arthur," At that Amelia snaps her glare up to her sister. Madeline sighs and explains that since Amelia is out of the picture, the most gentlemen of boys at the school is free. Amelia shakes her head in annoyance. That's not true, neither one of them has said the break up words, so it hasn't happened. Madeline sighs again.

"I'm going to try and get him to visit," She says quietly. Amelia grimaces. She doesn't want him here. He won't understand. It's not logical enough for him. This is feeling and Arthur does not bode well with feeling. She sighs when Madeline convinces her it would be good for them, if not only to break up. They share another long hug when Dr Zwingli tells them visiting hour is over. Madeline promises to come in a week max.

Amelia walks slowly to the art room. She's happy for one of the first times in a while. Her sister had always been the baby and now she's growing up. Now she's the strong one, and Amelia couldn't be prouder. Madeline makes her want to get better. To get out of this place even if it's not for Amelia herself. She stands outside the art room for a minute to collect herself. She had finally spoken for the first time. She gulps. If they start asking her to talk more now it might just ruin her. She still doesn't know what to say and really how to act. She takes a deep breath and opens the door.

The girls don't look at her, no more than a quick glance to see who came through the door. Amelia breathes a sigh of relief. The easel in front of her holds another blank white canvas. She thinks of Madeline when she draws. Her curly wavy pigtails and her bright purple eyes. The polar bear stuffed animal that's almost as big as she is. Amelia misses her sister greatly.

Maddie had always been the one to help her through her panics for tests or tryouts. She had always told Amelia how great she is and how amazing she is. Maddie never used the word perfect. Hearing her father use it all the time had begun to put a negative effect on Amelia, and Maddie knew that. Maddie always questioned her after he long hours of studying or after her tiresome workouts. Maddie is the one who asked if she was doing alright when Amelia came out of the bathroom with the smell of vomit in the air. Maddie is the one who found her cuts. Maddie is the one who called the ambulance when Amelia had cut too deep.

Amelia steps away from the canvas before she can ruin it with her angry thoughts. She's not mad at her sister. No Maddie did what she thought was right, is right. Amelia is angry at her parents. How could they not see what Amelia went through to be their perfect little girl? How could they do that to her and ruin her mental stability like that? Amelia only ever thought about being perfect. It hurt.

She gasps when a hand taps her shoulder. Felicia is giving her a nervous smile. She grabs Amelia's hand and pulls her over to the canvas she had been working on. Amelia stares wide at the beauty of Felicia's painting. It's Amelia on the canvas, her eyes are bright and big and there are angel wings sprouting behind her. Felicia fidgets and Amelia turns her stare to her.

"It's a thank you, for this morning," Felicia smiles at her. Amelia looks back to the painting. She never thought she would get an angelic painting of herself. She's seen the other's Felicia has painted, of all the girls with their own wings and halos. Now she knows why Felicia had painted them that way, because in those moments when she had her panic attacks, it's these girls who come to help her. Amelia is one of them.

"I'm sorry, it's kind of dumb. It's not the best work and I just-" Amelia cuts of Felicia's rambling by hugging her tightly. Her friend is quick to return the embrace. Not once has Amelia had such a gift as being called an angel. People have come to her for help before sure. They needed help with homework, or asking a boy or girl out, or cheerleading stuff in general. Felicia never asked for help unless she desperately needed it. She felt annoying if she always asked for help, so she would suffer in silence. Felicia needs constant reminder that she isn't a nuisance to those around her. Amelia had gone to her though, and not the other way around.

Amelia rubs small circles on Felicia's back when she starts getting teary. She apologizes twice more, at least. Amelia loves the painting. It makes her feel like she did something right even if it hadn't been perfect. She could have talked for Felicia but she didn't. It worked out okay in the end though, and that's what mattered to Felicia most.

At dinner Felicia stays mostly quiet. Amelia pokes her tray, to remind her to eat. Felicia does the same. Out of all the people in the group, Amelia feels the closest to Felicia. They both had to be perfect for their guardians, and they both coped by getting food out of the question. During their recreational time they cuddle up together. Felicia says sorry a few times, asking if she's comfortable and thanking her for cuddling. Julchen comes over and cuddles with them for the fun of it as well.

Amelia has her legs and arms above the covers right before bedtime. Julchen skipped out to take a shower, so Amelia decided it time to let her cuts breathe. The freshest one on her arms is healing and most of the scabs have turned to scars. She hasn't had access to sharp objects for weeks now, not including the glass shard. She runs her fingers over them. Her arms are criss crossed with red. Amelia takes a shaky breath and hides them under the blankets before Julchen comes back.

She remembers how it got worse. It had been a typical day. Hard work and more hard work topped off with getting yelled at for not working hard enough. Her parents left and Maddie hadn't been home. So Amelia took her chance to relieve herself. She locked her door and took out her stolen knife. She made another even cut on her arm, a sigh leaving her system. During her clean up of blood, she saw it. The cut she made had been uneven. It didn't line up with the others. Amelia panicked. She had to fix it. She started cutting again, deeper, to make it straight. It didn't work. She can remember her panic, wondering why it didn't work. She can remember asking why to no one. She got annoyed at herself, angry, for not being good enough. She cut her legs and her stomach, angry it couldn't be thinner. She started to lose consciousness when Maddie come home.

The hospital itself had been just as bland and white as the facility she's in now. Doctors talked about her like she couldn't hear every word they said. Her father screamed, just to make sure she could. Amelia remembers the crushing feeling in her chest at hearing her father call her no daughter of his. She hadn't been good enough. She hadn't been perfect enough. It hurt.

Julchen comes back into the room singing in a language Amelia doesn't know. Her white hair is pulled up into a messy bun. Amelia faces the wall and ignores the beating in her chest. While she does feel the same compared to Felicia 'help' wise, Julchen is the one she feels most comfortable with. There's something about her natural confidence that makes Amelia feel safe though she won't say so. Julchen is gorgeous in a way Amelia never thought possible. Gorgeous in a way that makes Amelia wonder why being with Arthur never made feel so at ease as she does right now. She listens quietly to the rustling of Julchen getting into pajamas and climbing into bed. She sighs.

"Hey Amelia?" She rolls over to face Julchen, propped up on her elbow. Julchen opens her mouth to speak then closes it. Her face scrunches up. Amelia realizes her anticipation being crushed is what everyone else must feel when she too opens her mouth and her words get caught.

"Will you ever talk to us? If you need to?" Julchen sounds devastated. Amelia gulps. It must be somewhat hurtful to not have your friend talking to you. It must suck to see them in pain when they can't say a word about it. Amelia wants to talk to her. She does, but she doesn't know the right words to say. She doesn't want to be her preppy school girl self, and she doesn't want to be mean and rude like part of her wants to. She wants to be Amelia, but she doesn't know who that is yet.

She nods, trying to give a soft smile to her roommate. Julchen sighs and smiles wide soon after. It makes Amelia's smile easier to show. Julchen flops onto the bed and a few minutes later is sleeping. Amelia snuggles into her pillow and watches her sleep. Her breathing is even and it helps Amelia fall asleep herself.


	4. Week Five

Maddie comes to visit just like she promised. Amelia gets to hear horror stories from home then. Their father is losing his mind trying to get Madeline to be his perfect girl now and having to compare her to Amelia all the time. It makes Maddie angry, and it makes Amelia angry too. She never wanted her sister to go through the same pain she did. It felt like the world falling down when Maddie said she understands why Amelia did what she did now. Amelia freaked out and grabbed her arms and inspected them twice over before Maddie laughed at her.

She's a smart girl and she knows better than to hurt herself like that. Especially if brave big sister is not there to look after her. Amelia hugs her tight when Maddie says she misses her. She wants to go home just for Maddie. Recently she's been starting to want to go home for herself too. Not because she wants to leave the facility or the people. Amelia wants to get better whatever and whenever that is. She wants to not think about throwing up every time she looks in the mirror. She wants to appreciate her body more. She wants to be proud of who she is and not scraping for who her parents want her to be.

It's a weird day the morning Julchen wakes up without smiling. Amelia is worried. She's never seen Julchen so dead to the world. It's been five weeks now in the institute and never has a day gone by without Julchen laughing first thing in the morning. She's like a zombie at breakfast, barely eating and when she does it's slow and melancholic. Amelia touches her arm and gives her a concerned look. Julchen obviously fakes her smile and goes back to eating. Amelia finds out later from Felicia that it's a part of Julchen's condition. Felicia has no problems talking since she knows Julchen won't mind her explaining the disorder to Amelia.

She explains that Julchen has a manic-depressive bipolar disorder. Most days she can be happy and bouncy and cackling through the halls, moving and talking fast. That's a part of who she really is. Some days, her condition hits her hard and she's in a slump for a day, maybe a week, before she can go back to being happy. Felicia bubbles up in tears when she describes how it first was when Julchen came to the facility. Some days Julchen would be screaming and happy and laughing at everything she could think of, talking in nonsense and forgetting to speak English.

Then days would come and Julchen wouldn't even look like herself. Her hair fell flat and her body moved like a slug. She had random bouts of painful screaming and tears would be constantly streaming out of her face. Julchen looked ready to die on those days. Never had Felicia heard before someone wanting to be in a coma. The medication she is on now tones down her mood swing spikes. Her happy self now is the closest they have to the real Julchen and her sad days are just sad days to recoup from spending her energy on being smiley and laughing.

"Everybody needs a bad day to just not be happy," Felicia smiles and continues to talk. The words are stuck in Amelia's head. Never before had she been allowed to be unhappy. If her parents caught her without a smile on, she would be yelled at for not appreciating the life she has. All the things she had should be good enough for her to be smiling all the time. So she would fake it. It's funny now since the things her father would tell her she should be happy with are the exact things he wanted her to get better of.

During productive hour, Julchen is asleep. Her head is on the desk and she's snoring softly. Amelia can't help but turn to watch her every few minutes. She's concerned, and while Felicia said she would be fine and it's just a bad day, Amelia still worries. This is Julchen's issue though, and they can't just stop it for her. You can't just get rid of the pain in your chest or the pain in your head. It doesn't work like that. It's a constant need for recognition and trying to do better. Amelia feels a pang of gratitude for the girls she is with. They are all supportive in one way or another, helping each other through whatever needs someone has. Amelia now has a group of friends she can feel real with. Her friends from school all talked up and spread gossip. She could enjoy that sure, but sometimes she'd rather talk about music or the sky instead of this girl or that guy. That group of friends just hadn't been for her.

But these girls in a mental facility don't feel the need to be someone they're not. All of their secrets are told to doctors. They have nothing to lose and they have nothing to hide. They are here already, what's the point in not being honest. That's why Amelia doesn't talk. She doesn't know what she has to say to be honest. Part of her wants to be cheerful and happy, but she's tired of that. Part of her wants to be angry and tell the doctors to piss off, but that's not her.

Julchen raises her head and smiles gently when she catches Amelia staring at her. Amelia smiles back and waves. Felicia comes back to the classroom and Amelia takes that as her cue to go to her single session. She knocks on the door and Dr Carriedo opens it with a springtime smile. Amelia wonders what she thinks during their sessions together. Does she ever get annoyed when Amelia doesn't say a word.

"Your sister came to see you I heard," Amelia smiles at the ground and nods. Maddie coming to see her had made being in the facility so much more bearable. Maddie supported her and wanted her to get better and that's what made it amazing.

"Do you think your parents will ever come visit?" The question, sounding so innocent, hits her like a freight train. She frowns immediately and shakes her head. Dr Carriedo, for one of the first times, scribbles something on her clipboard.

"Why not?" She's doing her job, asking questions to prompt Amelia to talk about herself and what she feels. But Amelia doesn't know. She wants to say it's cause her parents are too busy, but that's a lie. She wants to say it's because they are terrible parents, but that hurts to much to think about, let alone say. Even though it's true and Amelia knows that now. She squeezes her eyes shut to not let any tears get through. She's still stronger than that. She hasn't cried this whole time. Dr Carriedo sighs and folds her hands on her lap. Amelia stares at her. Her face is sad, like fall right before it turns to winter. Amelia gulps when Dr Carriedo turns her green eyes on her.

"Amelia do you want to keep coming to see me?" Amelia tilts her head to the side in confusion. Why wouldn't she want to see Dr Carriedo? She does like the time to see her and her soft smiles and her innocent questions that somehow manage to floor Amelia to the ground. She picks at the seat she's on and nods. She does want to see her.

"Amelia my job is to help you, see if there is anything we can do for you. It's hard to do that, when I don't know what's troubling you." Amelia nods softly to her explanation. She knows Dr Carriedo can't do her job when she doesn't know anything. Amelia wants to tell her. She opens her mouth and inhales and chokes back the sob that wants to come out. She bites her lip and nods again.

"Why don't you want help?" Amelia covers her face with her hands and breathes heavily. She doesn't want to cry. She digs her palms into her eyes and holds her breath for a moment. She smiles at Dr Carriedo when she removes her hands. She shrugs. She knows why though. Never before has she been offered such help, never before would she have accepted it. She needs to figure it out on her own. She wants to figure it out on her own. She wants all the help in the world. Amelia brings her legs up and hugs them to her chest. It's silent between them. Dr Carriedo lets her go ten minutes before their session is officially supposed to end.

Julchen is still dead like come lunch time. Amelia leans up against her for support. It may be small but it's close enough to comfort her roommate. Julchen leans her head against hers in acceptance of the contact. The rest of the group is talking enough for the both of them, keeping conversation light and happy. Even Anya doesn't annoy Julchen as much as she usually does. It amazes Amelia how well the girls have grown to know each other and can keep their distance when needed. They are family for each other.

She's still on edge about Anya though. Just two days ago the girl lost all control of herself and attacked one of the assistants during her workout time. She had been cold and didn't regret what she had done. It scared Amelia greatly. Anya never looked at her that way, not that scary like. Not that calculating and detached from the world. Chun-yan and Lene talked to her though during group. They made her see the error of her actions. Anya started crying and apologizing aloud for it. That's when Amelia found out Anya sometimes couldn't control the mental snap. If she got pushed too far, her mind would shut down and the next day it would come crashing down on her. Chun-yan held her tight while she cried.

During their game of 'guess who isn't coming', Anya loses. She's called to the visitor room. Amelia wonders who could be there for her scary friend. Maybe her brothers? Yes she considers Anya a friend. They may be only there to challenge each other, but Amelia feels alive when she's faced with an honest person to go against. Anya tells her exactly how she's feeling, and while those feelings are scary and make Amelia want to hide, she feels amazing having someone who is willing to tell her she's wrong. The girls at school never did that. Amelia had always been just right. Anya will tell her when she isn't.

"Miss Jones, you have a visitor," Amelia almost makes a pained noise. She's cuddled up next to Julchen on the couch for moral support and she doesn't want to leave her. Felicia motions her on and takes the spot on the other side to cuddle their friend. Amelia sighs and walks down the hall. Maddie visited yesterday, so she has no idea who could be there for her today.

She stops dead in her tracks when she recognizes the mop of dirty blonde hair. Part of her wants to jump in joy and tackle Arthur in a hug for coming to see her. The other part wants to tell him to leave or not even acknowledge his presence. In the end she does neither and wordlessly sits next to him on the couch. Anya is on the other side of the room, sandwiched between two boys who don't look to be stopping their hug anytime soon.

"Amelia," Arthur loudly whispers. She smiles at him. He makes no move to hug her, not that she minds. Their relationship had been falsified for the crowd of school. At least on her part. Arthur had been the one to ask her out and she only said yes because she knew her father would be happy with her choice. For a while she did like Arthur, she really did, or wanted to. She thought maybe he could be the one and see her for who she really was. She told him about how she felt scared to try for cheer captain. Arthur told her to stop crying about it and work hard to get to that spot. Amelia never told him anything after that. Now he's here. In a mental facility. For her.

"Amelia what is going on? You missed so much school and people are asking me questions I don't know the answers to. Your sister gave me this address to find you but this is a mental hospital." Amelia smiles through his angry tirade. His brows are creased and his huffiness is only increased by the slight British twang in his voice. Arthur always hated not knowing the answers to things. He never understood unless the directions were crystal clear cut in front of him.

"Amelia why are you here?" His voice raises enough to stop the chatter from Anya and the boys near her. Amelia keeps smiling at him and shrugs. She has yet to speak to her group, she will not speak to him. He sighs in annoyance and leans back against the couch. Amelia lets him go off about how people are wondering about their relationship and where she is, only too painfully aware of the people listening in on their conversation. He doesn't get it. She belongs here.

"Seriously, why are you here Amelia? I fail to see any reason, your life is perfect." Amelia lets her smile drop in an instant. She knows now her life had been far from perfect and she's still trying to come to terms with that. She bites her tongue and stares him down. He stares right back. She sighs in desperation. He wants his answers so badly, fine, she'll give him answers. Amelia hikes up the sleeve on one of her arms and shows it to him with an expressionless face. She hears one of the boys gasp from near Anya but she keeps her eyes on Arthur. She doesn't react when he inhales sharply. She doesn't react when he glares at her arm. She doesn't react when he glares at her.

"Why'd you do that to yourself? I thought you were smarter than that." Amelia gulps at his accusation. She thought she was smarter too. She sighs when he gets angrier at her not answering him with words. Arthur would never understand why she did it. She's not even going to try to explain it to him. Even if she would talk, he doesn't deserve her voice. Not that he would really listen anyway.

"Amelia honestly why aren't you talking to me? Why won't you tell me why you're being so stupid to end up in a- _AH_ ," Arthur's ranting is cut off by a hand firmly gripping his shoulder. Amelia glances up at Anya, digging her nails into Arthur's skin. She has that smile on her face that means she's not happy. Her eyes are cold. Arthur turns to glare up at her. Amelia can see him pause, though his miffed expression does not change. Anya glares down at him.

"Amelia is this boy bothering you? I shall get rid of him da?" Anya tenses her grip on his shoulder and Arthur winces. Amelia shakes her head and places a hand on Anya's. Her death grip lessons and Arthur springs from his seat and away from her. He massages at his shoulder as Anya goes back to the boys staring in shock at her. Amelia sighs and faces Arthur once more. He shakes his head, mumbles something about being done with her, which Amelia doesn't mind in the slightest, and leaves. It takes Amelia a moment to stand up. She had been meaning to talk to Arthur about that anyway. It didn't feel right being with him in the first place. Anya dismisses the boys from her to follow after Amelia.

The two walk in silence towards the art room. They are close enough so that their arms brush together. Amelia once again feels that rush of belonging. Anya had stood up for her, wanted to help her and protect her in a time of need. Her friends from school never really did that. Not the extent Anya would be willing to go for her. Amelia rubs at her arm, the one she exposed to Arthur. She doesn't care if he tells the school or anybody really. He doesn't matter to her. Anya saw though and she doesn't want her to tell the group. She's not ready yet. She showed Arthur in a moment of spite. These are her friends now, and she wants it to be at a good time to expose herself. She will, just not yet.

Amelia comes so close to throwing the white canvas across the room. Arthur angered her. She paints the canvas black and red with her hands. She's so mad at him. She always knew he would never understand, but that didn't change the fact it hurt. She steps back and rubs at her eyes with her upper arm. She's not crying. She bites her tongue and glares at the ground. Why did she ever let him be with her? Why did she ever think he would be good for her? He never listened and he never understood. Amelia breathes in shakily. She's getting rid of bad people in her life. And it's okay but it hurts.

Anya comes over and places a big yellow hand print over the drying mess of red and black on the canvas. Amelia sniffs and blinks at her. Anya gives her a sweet child like smile. Felicia laughs and comes over to put a bright green hand print next to Anya's. Julchen is next, a dark blue one on the canvas before throwing a clean hand over Amelia's shoulder. They smile to each other, Julchen being in a more up mood than before. Lene paints a light blue one and Chun-yan does a bright orange. They paint Amelia's hand white and put it on the canvas too. The group bursts into giggles over their masterpiece.

Julchen is doing better at dinner, talking and making light jokes. Amelia gives Anya permission to tell them what happened at visiting hour. The part about her arm is thankfully left out. They all know they will be talking about it tomorrow during group but it doesn't stop them from telling Amelia how much of a douche Arthur is and how glad they are it's over with him even if they've never met him. Amelia nearly laughs aloud at their encouragement. They walk slowly towards the game room, making jokes and teasing between each other.

"Cuddle Puddle," Julchen snaps her fingers and points up at her brilliant idea. The girls all get excited, except for Amelia, who gives her roommate a confused look. Julchen laughs lightly and pulls her over to the comfiest couch. Anya takes a seat first in the middle. Chun-yan curls up next to her on one side and Julchen on the other. Lene wiggles in next to Chun-yan. Julchen holds out a hand for Amelia. She takes it and is pulled against her roommate. Felicia is practically on top of her when she joins the mass on the couch. They all wiggle together for a minute, trying to get in comfy positions. Amelia has her arms around Felicia, while Julchen has her arms around her. It's cozy and close. Amelia sighs in content.

They put on a random TV show to nit pick and make fun of. That's where Nurse Héderváry finds them. He kicks them off the couch and pushes them off to bed. Amelia is saddened. The warmth from her group is gone now. Julchen raises her arms and stretches on the walk back. When her hands are back to the sides, Amelia reaches out boldly and holds one. Julchen scoffs and laces their fingers together. After getting changed for bed, Amelia tugs on her hair to get her attention. She points wordlessly to her bed hoping her roommate picks up on her idea. Julchen laughs softly and nods. They climb into Amelia's bed for more cuddles. Amelia keeps her head tucked under Julchen's chin, putting an arm over her waist naturally. She's careful to keep her marks in the darkness. Soon Julchen's breathing evens out and Amelia follows it to sleep.


	5. Week Seven pt 1

The first time Amelia see Chun-yan have a flashback is one of the scariest things she's ever seen. Even more scary than Anya going cold on someone. They are all sitting during a productive hour later in the day. Lene is at her single session. Amelia is working through her math, not as hard as she might have before, but hard enough to be able to get the answers right. She's almost done for the day too, when a loud bang is heard. Felicia starts to apologize and bends over to pick up her book that fell from her hands. Amelia scrunches up her face, the book drop startled her. That's when she hears it.

"He's coming," Chun-yan's quiet voice sounds panicked. She's glancing all over and scratching at her arms. Her breathing is picking up in speed. Amelia watches her as Anya jumps from her seat and gets closer. The chair scrapes against the tile and Chun-yan screams. It's bloodcurdling. She climbs over the desks and runs away from anyone who tries to come near her. Julchen and Dr Bonnefoy leap into the mess. Amelia and Felicia stay in their seats. Chun-yan is jumping over desks and dodging out of reach of their fingers. She's screaming about someone coming to get her, how he's going to get her, how he's going to hurt her.

Amelia jolts in her seat when Chun-yan jumps from a desk and lands right in front of her. Amelia's breathing catches. Chun-yan's eyes are fogged over. She's lost in a world completely of her own, drowning in some unknown fear. Amelia has never seen so much terror in someone's face before. Chun-yan stares at her for maybe a second, like Amelia had been the one to cause the trauma she's seeing. It feels like an hour to Amelia. She starts breathing again when Anya gets her arms around Chun-yan to pull her back. There is so much screaming from her friend. Screams of 'please' and 'let go'. It hurts. Amelia stares at the floor. She can't see the pain on her face any longer.

Anya holds her on the ground, keeping her hands together so they don't hit her. Her head is tucked into Chun-yan's neck so the smaller girl doesn't head butt her. Anya is speaking gently in a language Amelia doesn't know. Julchen covers Chun-yan's eyes with her hand. It's quiet save for Anya speaking soothingly. Chun-yan stops fighting and her breathing returns to normal. Tears are now slipping out underneath Julchen's hand. Dr Bonnefoy takes over, talking in hushed tones to Chun-yan.

It's now that Amelia notices the look on Felicia's face. She staring wide eyed and cringing. Tears are coming down her face too. Amelia stands and goes to her, pulling her into a hug before she can talk. Felicia starts crying into her shoulder, clinging to the material on her sweatshirt. She's whispering a mantra of 'I'm sorry' over and over again. Amelia wants to tell her it's fine and everything is okay, the other part wants to tell her to shut up. Neither feels right. Amelia just holds her tighter.

Lene is filled in on what happened during group. She pats Chun-yan's shoulder in a comforting way. Lene has trouble expressing her emotions. Her family is very reserved, and the minor schizophrenia does not help. Lene doesn't have the kind of seeing people or believing in other creature kind of schizophrenia. It's a small kind that makes her body freeze up in odd positions during the day. Sometimes she'll snap at nothing to shut up and her thoughts are disjointed. She doesn't talk a lot because of that. Lene then reaches over to place a hand on Felicia's head.

Felicia is sitting on the floor, cradling her legs to her. She's still a bit cry like. She's apologized so many times to Chun-yan for triggering her that Amelia has lost count of the number. Chun-yan is also on the floor, wrapped up in Anya's arms. She tells Felicia it's okay now, and that the episode has passed. Dr Bonnefoy asks them individually how the felt during the moment. Lene is the exception since she hadn't been in the room. Julchen says she just wanted to help her feel safe again. Dr Bonnefoy turns to Amelia.

"How did you feel?" She says softly. Amelia gulps. The image of Chun-yan's absolute terror is still burning inside her brain. She faces the ground.

"Scared?" Dr Bonnefoy offers. Amelia nods, her hair flowing around her face. She can tell the others are watching her, maybe not full on, but out of the corners of their eyes. She can feel it.

"Scared for yourself?" Amelia snaps her head back up to the doctor at the question. She shakes her head. No, she hadn't been scared for herself.

"Scared for Chun-yan?" Amelia glances at her friend curled up on the floor. Chun-yan is still blinking back tears from her episode. Amelia nods slowly. She hadn't been scared for herself. She couldn't, not when Chun-yan was locked in a unseen world of hurt. She wanted to help her, but she had no idea how. What could she have done to calm her friend down without scaring her even more? She couldn't. Chun-yan's

sniffs and lets fresh tears fall down her face. She gives Amelia a soft smile before burying her head back into Anya's shoulder. No one tells her for sure what Chun-yan sees, Amelia doesn't want to know.

When visitor hour comes around, both Amelia and Felicia are called. Felicia spent the last half hour freaking out and worrying if her brother is really there. Amelia holds her hand as they walk to the visitor room. Just before Felicia runs over to her sibling, Amelia holds her back and places a hand over her mouth. She nearly smirks. Madeline is talking to a tall boy with brown hair that Amelia assumes is Felicia's brother. Felicia notices her stare and follows her gaze, her own eyes going wide. Madeline is speaking sweetly and the boy has a grumpy face, though a smile peeks through when Madeline looks away. Amelia lets Felicia go to moves next to her sister.

"Lovino! You showed up oh I thought you wouldn't for a second and I'm sorry I was crying earlier and you're here and I'm so happy to see you and I'm sorry," Felicia dive bombs over the couch to hug her brother. The boy sputters and pushes her off. He sighs in resignation and hugs her though. Amelia sits next to Madeline on the other side. Her sister smiles at her. Felicia pulls her brother away from them so they can talk on their own. Madeline waves to the boy who puffs up in a blush and waves back. Amelia nudges her with a smirk.

"What? Oh no, no no no." Madeline covers her face with her hands, shaking her head. Amelia bites her lip to keep her giggles inside. Madeline gets over her flustered moment and tells Amelia how their parents are doing. It's not good news. Their mother is trying to get Madeline on a diet to 'make her feel better about herself'. Amelia grits her teeth. Madeline rolls her eyes along with her story. She doesn't need to feel better about herself. She already feels great the way she is. Amelia holds her breath when Arthur is brought up. Their dad heard the news of their break up from Arthur himself. He came to the house to get his things from Amelia's room, and even stooped low enough to ask Madeline out on the porch. She rejected him immediately.

"Amelia, I talked to your therapist.." Madeline whispers her confession. Amelia looks away from her. Whatever it is Madeline is about to say, should have probably been said to her parents, but they aren't here.

"She says you don't talk to anyone," Madelines reaches out and holds Amelia's hand in hers. Amelia's eyes flicker to the limb then away. She knows she doesn't talk to anyone. She's working on it. Kind of.

"Amelia I'm worried about you is all," Madeline scooches closer to her for a hug. Amelia leans into the hold. She knows she worries the people around her. She wants to get better. She hasn't thrown up in weeks and she's eating a healthy portion of food too. She hasn't felt the urge to mutilate her skin either, not that she'd have access if she wanted to. Being cut from the ability is helping. The facility is supportive and always willing to help her if she needs it. Her friends do so even if she doesn't ask. She has never felt more at home.

They sit hugging as a buff boy with blonde hair enters the visitor room, looking completely uncomfortable in his surroundings. He speaks to Dr Zwingli and the nurse walks off. The boy fiddles with his fingers and stares out the window. Suddenly there's a yelp and footsteps coming down the hallway, too fast to be walking. Amelia watches as the buff boy turns around just in time to catch Julchen launching herself at him. Madeline snickers quietly. Julchen is off the ground speaking rapidly in a different language to the boy who is still recovering from shock. Felicia begins to giggle.

"Oh shit where are my manners, Felicia, Amelia, this is my brother Ludwig. Ludwiggle this is Felicia, her angry brother Lovino, Amelia, and her sister who she has yet to introduce to us how rude are you Amelia," Julchen gestures to everyone respectively, ending with sticking her tongue out at Amelia. Amelia glares at her half heartedly. Madeline introduces herself, always the polite one. They take a seat on the opposite end of the couches.

"Amelia, will you talk to your therapist?" Amelia gulps and glances at her sister. Madeline's eyes are full of concern and worry. Amelia sighs and nods her head. Madeline lets out a happy squeal, hugging her tight again. Amelia knows she needs to. She has gotten so comfortable with the people around her. Maybe now she can finally reveal herself to them like they have done so to her. She trusts them enough for sure. She just needs the courage to do so.

At dinner she's picking at her food. This makes Felicia worry most. She practically forces food down her throat to make sure she eats. Julchen cuddles with her during their down hours. The whole time Amelia's thoughts are racing. She wants to talk. She wants to tell them. She wants to trust them with her scars. This group has been more supportive in a month than anyone else has her whole life, with the exception of her sister. She swallows down the worry that they'll judge her or act the way Arthur had.

Amelia sits on top of her blankets. She's wearing shorts that expose the scars criss crossing her legs and a t-shirt that makes hiding them impossible. Her stomach ones are still covered but that's okay with her. All of the scabs have turned to angry looking lines. The one she did in the bathroom is all healed, the

thinnest scab now overlaying the cut. Just like every time they've been out in the open, Amelia traces her fingers over them. They span all over her arms and up and down her thighs. She takes a deep breath as she hears Julchen getting closer to the room after her late night shower. Amelia rests her wrists on her legs. She forces herself to stay still when Julchen enters the room.

"Hey Amelia, what are you-holy shit." Amelia swallows her fear and looks up at her roommate. Julchen is standing in the doorway wide eyed and staring at the markings on her body. She drops her stuff to the floor and comes closer. Amelia ducks her head back to her arms. Julchen sits on the edge of her bed, and before she knows it, she's being hugged. Julchen is holding her tightly with her head tucked into Amelia's shoulder.

"I had no idea you were hurting so bad Amelia." Julchen's words sound like a confession. Amelia remains frozen underneath her. Julchen isn't teasing her or angry at her for doing this to herself. Amelia feels like she can breathe. Julchen pulls back and holds her hands. She's squeezing tightly. Amelia swears she can see her roommate shaking. Julchen takes a deep breath and takes one of Amelia's arms in her hands. Amelia nods when Julchen looks up to her. Julchen lightly traces over a few of the scars on her leg then the ones on the arm she is holding. Amelia's eyes widen when Julchen places a soft kiss to the inside of her wrist.

"Please don't do this again," Julchen is still holding the wrist to her lips, her eyes are closed shut. Amelia can feel her breathing. Julchen looks up and Amelia nods for her to see. Her roommate sighs and pulls her into another tight hug, this time Amelia reciprocates. When they let go Julchen talks a little about her brother to fill the silence and give a light air back into the room. Amelia doesn't mind. Hearing Julchen talk so happily makes her happy. Nurse Héderváry calls lights out and Julchen flicks the switch, crawling into her own bed. Amelia doesn't sleep. The halls are oddly quiet. The other girls aren't crying tonight. Amelia traces her scars again. She does so for half an hour as she builds up her courage. She quietly clears her throat twice.

"H.. Hey Julchen?" Her voice is hoarse and soft. She winces at the sound of it. It's not her usual confidence, but she finds she doesn't mind. She hears the rustling of covers. It's still quiet. She prys her eyes away from her arms to face Julchen. Her roommate is sitting up, leaning back on her hands, and blinking wide eyed at her. Amelia clenches her teeth and turns back to her arms. She can do this. She opens her mouth to speak and the words get caught. She takes a deep breath and tries again. She can do this.

"Do you think.. I'll ever be able to wear a sundress again?" She folds up her arms to her chest and hugs them. She looks back to Julchen. Amelia really does like sundresses. She stopped wearing them when they stopped covering her cuts. A tear slips through her defenses. Julchen sits up farther and swings her legs over the edge of her bed. She nods slowly.

"Yeah. Yeah I think you will." Something inside Amelia snaps. She hugs her legs to her and crys. It starts slow, a few tears escaping through her eyelids. Then the floodgates open and Amelia can't stop. No matter how many times she rubs at her eyes, no matter how many times she breathes in fresh air, it keeps coming. She sobs out, letting her voice be heard for all to hear. For so long she had been told to suck it up and stop crying. For so long she had been told to be strong and not let a tear show. For so long. For so long.

She wanted to cry when her dad yelled at her. She wanted to cry when she didn't want to try out for cheerleading. She wanted to cry when she had a test for a class she didn't even want to take in the first place. She wanted to cry when the knife went across her skin. She wanted to cry when she woke up in the hospital. She wanted to cry when her father said she wasn't his daughter. She wanted to cry when she found herself staring up at a schedule in mental facility. She wanted to cry that first night. She wanted to cry so much and so many times. All of that build up is now taking it's toll. She can't stop, and she knows somewhere inside of her, she doesn't want to either. She's never felt more free.

She doesn't register Julchen leaving the room or the soft knocking. She doesn't register the bodies around her until they are all piled on her bed and holding her tight. It makes her cry more to have her friends near her, not asking question and just existing with her. She can feel Anya's arms around her waist and Julchen's presence next to her. She can feel Lene's hand in her hair and Felicia and Chun-yan holding a hand each. She cries and cries till all the pressure of the years behind her is gone. It takes a while before she can start breathing normally again. The girls don't leave her. Her sobs have turned to sniffs. She's exhausted.

"What's going on here?" Dr Bonnefoy appears in the doorway. She has a hand on her hip. Julchen sputters trying to find an excuse. Felicia is nearly panicking. The others are doing their best to not look at their doctor.

"Group therapy?" Amelia croaks out. Her throat hurts from all the strain. Everyone stops and stares at her. She gulps, not breaking eye contact with Dr Bonnefoy. She opens her mouth to speak, but upon realizing Amelia had been the one to talk, she stops with her jaw dropped. She closes it quickly and purses her lips.

"That's very nice, but you all need to head off to bed. We're going to have a big day tomorrow." Amelia knows it's her fault. There are going to be a lot of question for her. She's tired already. The girls leave her bed, but not without a hug from each of them. Julchen stays in her bed though, holding her throughout the night.


	6. Week Seven pt 2

Amelia is still tired when she wakes up. Julchen is standing over her shaking her awake. Amelia sits up like a zombie. Her head hurts, her throat hurts, and she's hungry. She stumbles out of bed and puts on what she's deemed her favorite pair of sweats. She's about to take off the loose fitting t-shirt in exchange for the sweatshirt but something stops her. She swivels round to face Julchen, leaning up against the door and watching her. She pulls at her shirt and lifts up the sweatshirt. Julchen wrinkles her nose.

"T-shirt, definitely," She says nodding her head. Amelia smiles softly and throws the long sleeve onto the bed. On the walk to the cafeteria, she's regretting it. She feels too exposed. She rubs at her arms, almost as if to hide them. Julchen notices and snorts loudly. She grabs Amelia's hand and swings it with hers. The action makes Amelia let out a soft laugh. It distracts her enough from the stares she gets from a few people passing them by.

More people look her way at lunch, but none of those of those looks come from her friends. They all chose not to mention the marks, knowing full well they'll get an earful during group. Amelia feels free. She never felt comfortable with herself to walk around with her arms expose, not in a long time. Here though, is the safest she's felt in years. She's laughing more.

Dr Zwingli greets her and Felicia politely when they head for their morning walk. He's smiling at her, not even phased by her scars. On the pathway around the building, Amelia raises her arms, letting the soft breeze hit them. It's been so long since she felt able to do that.

"I'm so happy you talked, it was like a miracle. If you want to talk to me you can, I don't mind. I'm sorry I talk so much. If I ever get annoying then-"

"Felicia," Amelia turns to her, a smile on her face. Felicia's eyes widen at the use of her name. She squeals a bit and hugs Amelia, nearly throwing her off balance. Amelia lets a laugh bubble out.

"Felicia one of the first things I realized during our walks, was that I loved listening to you talk. You don't have to apologize for anything." Amelia takes a deep breath. She had been wanting to tell that to her friend for so long. Some of the weight is off her shoulders being able to say it. Felicia giggles and rubs away a stray tear or two. She says sorry for crying and sorry for a reason Amelia doesn't know why. Felicia talks the rest of the walk about how she felt Amelia didn't like her at first. It makes Amelia smile. She could never dislike Felicia. Especially not after finding out they are so similar. Today Felicia will find out just how alike they are.

Amelia taps her foot when her first productive hour starts to come to an end. She has to face Dr Carriedo now. There are going to be so many questions and she doesn't know if she has the right way to answer them. She will do her best though, because her best is all that's needed. Felicia enters the room and gives Amelia a thumbs up for good luck. Just before she leaves the room she glances at Julchen. Her roommate winks at her with a smirk. Amelia walks down the hallway focusing on her breathing to keep her sane. She knocks on the door and Dr Carriedo answers with her summer smile. It's different this time. It's the kind of smile you get when it's a hot summer and you just got ice cream to cool you down.

"Hello Miss Jones," She greets and moves to the side to let Amelia into her office. Amelia smiles at her. She bounces in her spot just a little on the couch. Dr Carriedo takes her clipboard and sits in her own arm chair.

"I heard some news," She begins. Amelia knows where this is going. She can do this, she is prepared.

"I heard you talked yesterday," Dr Carriedo smiles down at her lap, as if she's unfazed by what she just said. Amelia appreciates that. She doesn't know why she does, but she likes that it happened. She opens her mouth and Dr Carriedo looks up at her. The air gets caught for a second, Amelia closes her eyes tight and takes a deep breath, and tries again.

"Yeah," She manages to say. She smiles at the carpet. "Yeah, I. I did." She glances up to face the therapist. Dr Carriedo is now smiling like the mother who just saw her kids smiling at the ice cream on a hot summer day.

"That's amazing," She says. Amelia smiles back at the floor. She's proud of herself for talking. It had taken her so long to do so. She lifts her head back up, a soft wonder in her eyes.

"I've been meaning to tell you, your smile reminds me of summer," She smiles wider when Dr Carriedo laughs at the description. Ever since Amelia first saw her, she's been meaning to say that. Another weight is lifted off her shoulders. It's liberating being able to say the things she's been bottling up.

"You're wearing a t-shirt today," Dr Carriedo points out. Amelia subconsciously pulls her arms to her to hide them. She takes a deep breath and extends them for her therapist to see.

"It was Julchen's idea, but.." She trails off. She runs a finger over the most recent cut, the one from the bathroom. "I feel so free." Dr Carriedo scribbles a quick something on her clipboard. Her smile is unwavering.

"Have you felt trapped?" Immediately Amelia nods. She gives a description, the best she can, of the way her father tells her what to do. How it sucks for her, because she can't make her own decisions. She rubs away the tears she allows to slip down her face. She's done hiding her emotions.

"Do you think your parents love you?" The question makes Amelia pause. Then with a sad sigh she shakes her head.

"I think they like the idea of me," She sniffs hard. Dr Carriedo smiles and stands from her chair. It's then that Amelia realize they are out of time. She stands with a heavy breath. She talked a lot, and there is still more talking to do. Dr Carriedo tells her she'll see her tomorrow, and Amelia feels amazing that she can finally say 'you too' in response.

Lunch is more lively. Chun-yan is telling a story about how she got into martial arts. Julchen is making cheesy jokes. Lene is explaining the differences between fairies and pixies. Amelia and Felicia are laughing the whole time. They both eat all of their food.

Amelia talks to her a little during their walk. She tells about her single session and how it went. Felicia hangs on her every word. When Amelia decides she's done talking Felicia wastes no time in filling the silence for her. It makes Amelia smile to hear Felicia talk about how happy it makes her to have someone to walk with that's not a doctor. She calls out a sorry, or three, to Dr Zwingli behind them. He just waves off the comment with a smile, not at all bothered.

When group comes around, Amelia has a bubble of nervousness in her stomach. She knows they are going to be talking about her a lot today. Just like the day after Arthur came to visit. Anya had relayed the event for Dr Bonnefoy, then they took turns saying how they'd feel if their family or friends did that. Anya said it wouldn't have mattered at first to her if her brothers did it, but after a while it would really get her down. Chun-yan agreed. Lene said she wouldn't know, they wouldn't tell her even if they did. Felicia started crying at the thought of her brother not caring about her, she already worries enough about that. Julchen crossed her arms and said she'd be angry and try her damndest to get her brother to understand. She did it once she would do it again.

Amelia takes a deep breath and follows her friend into the room. Dr Bonnefoy greets them all with a smile. She sits on the floor this time in front of her chair. She knows it's too defend herself, from whatever, but she feels just a hint safer being smaller at this time. Just as she suspects, Dr Bonnefoy asks the group to retell the events of last night. Julchen takes the task to describe it from her point of view. How at first she didn't believe Amelia really talked, then when she started crying, she knew hugs were in order. She others agreed.

"And now that Amelia is talking, just a little more than before, how is everyone feeling?" Amelia blinks as Dr Bonnefoy starts on the other side of the room first. Amelia appreciates that too.

"I'm doing great," Chun-yan says, leaning over in her chair to smile at Amelia. Anya agrees, saying how happy it'll make her to hear Amelia talk back to her during their games. This makes Amelia smile. Felicia goes on a whole speech about how nice it is to know what Amelia sounds like. Lene says it's good to hear some words from her.

"I'm doing awesome. My roommate finally freaking talks to me, that's cool." Julchen smiles down at her. Amelia can't help but smile back at her. She faces Dr Bonnefoy to find her staring at her. Amelia takes a deep breath.

"I'm doing alright," She says softly. Dr Bonnefoy nods, accepting her answer. They get onto another topic before Lene asks.

"Amelia, what are your scars from?" The room goes quiet. Amelia is sure they expect her to be silent or worse, keep silent. Amelia clenches her teeth and stands up to sit in her seat. She turns in her chair to face them all. She holds out her arms and points at a few of them as she talks.

"This one is for the time my dad yelled at me for not doing well enough on a test. This one is for not making the flyer position on the cheerleading team, I got yelled at for that too. This one is for lying to my sister about throwing up. This one and this one are for not doing well enough in school work. And these ones," Amelia gestures to the majority of the others on her arms. "Are for not being good enough. For not being perfect enough for my parents liking." A few tears are making their way down her cheeks. Felicia gasped at the word perfect, knowing all too well how it feels to always be 'perfect'. Amelia drys her eyes.

"Your parents are stupid." Julchen says with a sharp nod of her head. Anya nods as well. Dr Bonnefoy gives Julchen a warning look. It doesn't stop Julchen though.

"Seriously though. What kind of parent makes their kid do the stuff they don't want to do. What kind of parents pushes their kid to be something their not to the point of hurting themselves and not giving a shit?" Julchen is nearly screaming in frustration. Felicia is silently crying in her chair, trying discreetly to wipe away her tears. Amelia has fresh tears as well, but she lets them fall. She wants to show her emotions now. She doesn't want to be afraid anymore.

The discussion turns from Amelia to parents. She feels a sick sense of relief at hearing the others have parents who aren't all that involved with them either. The only one who has parents that are even remotely involved is Chun-yan, and they are her adoptive parents. Amelia knows her parents aren't good. She thought they were before. This is how they all are. Every parent pushes their child to hurting themselves and destroying their self confidence. Amelia knows that's not true now. Parents shouldn't do that to their kids. Parents shouldn't hurt their children, physically or mentally.

Amelia is a little sad when Madeline doesn't show up at visitor hour. She wants to talk to her sister and tell her all that happened while she's been here. She sucks up her disappointment though. Maddie will be there soon enough. Anya is right though, during their down hours, they play a video game, and Amelia nearly yells at her for cheating. The smile on Anya's face is a mix between her cold one, and her real happy one. All of the girls are smiling though. Amelia feels comfortable with them. She feels like she's herself now. It just took her a month to figure out how to be herself.

"Hey Julchen?" Amelia twists under her covers to see her roommate. Julchen is running a towel haphazardly over her hair to dry it more from her shower. She peeks out from under the cloth to look at her, a smile on her face. Amelia gulps and looks away for a second.

"Can we sleep together tonight?" Julchen lets out a loud laugh in response. Amelia breathes a sigh of relief.

"Sure thing girlie, just let my hair dry a bit more first." Julchen winks and returns to drying her hair like a wild animal. Amelia watches her. Once she's done she pulls it back it weaves it into a braid. She pushes at Amelia's face to get her to scoot over. They hold hands under the covers.


	7. Week Nine

The day Lene leaves puts Amelia on hold for a while. It never occurred to her that someone would actually leave their group. She knew they would all have to eventually, but it didn't register when. She's so confused. Julchen explains it to her. Lene's medication to make the few voices she did hear stop is working well and the medication to make her muscles less sore after a freeze up relaxes her enough. She's going home.

After her and Felicia's second slow walk of the day, they head towards the visitor room. The other girls are all there already. Lene has a small backpack with her. She's staring out the window with an expression close to nervous. Amelia hasn't ever seen much emotion displayed on her face. She holds Julchen's hand tight. She's worried for Lene. During their parents talk last week, Lene said her family isn't that expressive either or really home. What if Lene is left alone for too long and she freezes up in a bad place? A black car pulls up to the parking lot. Lene tenses.

A tall man with an angry face steps out along with a little girl who looks extremely like Lene. Amelia watches as they come closer to the doors. The little girl stops when she sees Lene in front of her. The father scratches the back of his head awkwardly. Lene holds her head high. The tension is released when the little girl steps forward and wraps Lene in a hug. Lene breaths out and hugs her sister back tightly. Her father comes over and places a hand on her head somewhat supportively.

"Mr. Bondevik," Dr Carriedo greets the man with a flourish. She takes his attention to explain Lene's medication and procedure if she freezes. She explains her disorder in full so he knows for sure what he's dealing with. They exchange business cards to make sure to keep in contact if anything ever goes wrong. Lene takes her sister's hand and pulls her over to where they're standing.

"This is my little sister, Emily," Lene says. The little girl stares at them with bright eyes. Amelia waves to her and Felicia coos at how cute she is. Emily hides behind her sister. Lene smiles and pats her head. Amelia stares at her. She believes it's the first time she's ever seen Lene smile. The past week she started talking a bit more, and expressing a bit more too. Amelia guesses it's the medication, but she wants to believe that it's just Lene being comfortable with them. She just hopes that smile doesn't leave anytime soon.

Each girl gives Lene a hug and farewell wishes. Felicia and Chun-yan start crying. When Lene stops in front of her, Amelia smiles wide and hugs her tight. She never got much physical contact at home. She's reveling in the hugs now. Lene pulls back and smiles just for her.

"Kind of sucks I leave just when you start talking," Lene smirks and Amelia laughs. It makes her wish she started talking sooner. Lene pats her shoulder once and walks back to her dad. She pauses at the door, smirks one last time, and exits. In a flurry they all move to the windows to watch Lene get into the car. She slides in and doesn't look back. At least, as far as they can tell. The windows are tinted too dark. Amelia and Julchen are the last to leave the window. Lene is long gone. Amelia gulps. She knows they will be talking about Lene leaving in group.

She hugs her knees tight as she finds she's right. Dr Bonnefoy wants to talk about how the feel that Lene left. Amelia doesn't know if she wants to talk about it. She barely talked to Lene the whole month. Lene barely talked to her too. She barely talked to anyone. When she did speak it had always been a snarky remark or a witty comment that would get them all laughing. Amelia wonders if her parents can take care of her when she freezes. How will her sister take it when she sees Lene stop and not move like that. She shakes her head. Lene can handle herself, even if she doesn't respond.

"Amelia," Dr Bonnefoy calls her out. She raises her head. The doctor smiles at her and repeats her question.

"How do you feel about Lene leaving?" Amelia hides her face in her legs. Her friends sigh a bit, thinking she won't answer or revert back into her shell.

"I forgot," Amelia says startling them. All the eyes go back to her. Julchen holds out her hand wordlessly and Amelia takes it. She squeezes it hard.

"Forgot what?" Anya asks. Amelia can hear her confusion. She leans forward to see her friend's face. Anya is expressionless.

"That we would leave," Amelia sighs and goes back to staring at the floor. They change topic to leaving themselves. Amelia doesn't know what she's going to do once she's out of the facility. She's going to have to repeat a year of school with how much she's missed. Probably. She can still do her work but she knows it's probably not enough to stay in the same grade. She finds she doesn't mind too much. Repeating a year might not be so bad. She'd be in the same grade as Maddie then. Maybe her sister could help her find some better friends than those of the ones she was hanging out with.

She hides her face completely. She doesn't want to find new friends. The people here treat her kindly without asking anything in return. They treat her like human. They don't judge her for liking things and they don't pretend to not be affected by life. Amelia is tired of not being her. She's been someone else for so long.

During visitor hour Amelia is called to the room. She walks quickly to find Maddie there waiting for her. Amelia stops. She swallows hard.

"Maddie," She says quietly. Madeline stops and sits up straighter. She twists to see her and smiles softly. She holds out her arms. Amelia can feel the tears coming out and she doesn't care. She runs to her sister. Madeline holds her as she cries, cooing and petting her hair to calm her down. It takes Amelia a while to compose herself enough to explain what happened. Madeline nods along softly to her story. When Amelia is quiet Madeline smiles.

"You're talking," She says. Amelia smiles and nods. She tells Madeline how freeing it is to be here, where people don't judge her for being who she is. She's talking and then she sees Madeline is not paying attention to her, instead is staring at her arms. Amelia gasps. Madeline hasn't seen her scars yet. Not all of them.

"There are more," She starts. Madeline turns her frightened eyes to her. Amelia explains, "On my legs, there are more scars. Some on my stomach too." She lifts her shirt to expose the few marks she's made there. Madeline gasps and covers her mouth with her hands. She pulls Amelia to her.

"Oh I wish I noticed sooner. I wish I could have helped sooner." Madeline starts crying and Amelia comforts her now, rubbing a hand through her hair. She's not upset that Madeline didn't notice sooner. She's just happy she noticed eventually before Amelia really did mess herself up.

"Are you getting better? Are you going to come home soon too?" Madeline takes her face in her hands. Amelia grimaces just a little. She is getting better, she does want to. Leaving however is not something she feels she's ready for. She doesn't want to live at home anymore. Not with those people. She also doesn't want to leave Maddie there all on her own.

"I don't want to go back there," She admits softly. Madeline just nods in understanding. She's told Amelia all about how their parents have moved their rage to her. She's not falling for their tricks and is relying on her friends for support. They let her stay over often to get her out of the house.

"We'll get through it together," Madeline tells her just as softly. That makes Amelia smile. Leave it to Madeline to always know what to say. They sit quietly next to each other until Dr Zwingli tells Amelia it's time for her next scheduled hour. Madeline promises once again to come see her soon.

During creative hour Amelia doesn't know what to paint. The other's are all working hard on something while Amelia is just staring at the blank canvas. She looks down at her arms and their cross marks. She takes a paint brush and draws her arms, without the markings. She squints at it. It doesn't look just right without the red lines on her skin, like a long lost dream she had ages ago. She barely remembers what her arms had looked like before they had angry lines on them. Her picture is only making the feeling worse. She doesn't want to tear her skin. She doesn't, not anymore. The picture is just bringing up a lot of feelings she didn't know she had. She misses innocent when the word perfect meant exactly who she is without changing. The word is tainted now. Amelia takes a lighter color and draws her scars on the canvas, looking down at her arms to make sure she gets the likeness.

With a light blue, in remembrance of Lene, she writes with the prettiest script she can at the top of the painting. 'I am perfect the way I am'. She doesn't like the word anymore. She never wants to hear it again really. But she needs to know that who she is now, is perfectly fine. She doesn't need to change to be better. She is good enough the way she is. She's finally accepting that.

Dr Bonnefoy places a hand on her shoulder. Amelia turns to her. Her group therapist has a pleased smile on her face. Amelia smiles back at her. She looks back to her shabby painting with it's flaws and odd proportions. It's hers though. It's good just the way it is. Just like her.

Dinner is quiet. They're all still a little hollow from the losing of their friend. Amelia hums to fill the silence. She sings quietly after a while just for herself. She hasn't sung in so long, her father always telling her she could be doing something better with her time. She closes her eyes as the song comes back to her. She really would like to wake up in Australia one day with no one to hold her back. That'll be the day. She finishes and continues to eat her food like she had done nothing. Felicia starts to clap though.

"That was beautiful Amelia," She giggles at her compliment. Amelia blushes enough to get teased for it. Julchen wraps an arm around her waist and pulls her close. The sad atmosphere lessens.

"You know what we should do," Amelia says once they're on their way to the game room for their down hours. Julchen raises an eyebrow at her. Amelia smiles.

"Cuddle Puddle," Julchen snickers. Chun-yan breaks out into a smile and so does Felicia.

"That sounds wonderful," Anya agrees. She takes her rightful spot in the center of the couch. Chun-yan and Julchen take either side. Amelia crawls up next to Julchen while Felicia moves to the other side up next to Chun-yan. They wiggle to get comfy, then let out a collective sigh in content. They choose not to speak. Though Felicia does apologize and ask Amelia to sing again with another apology attached. Amelia smiles and sings the same song again, being the only one she really knows to the words too.

Chun-yan falls asleep. Anya giggles and suggests they all retire for the night. Felicia yawns in agreement. They head to their respective rooms, but not before calming Felicia down for fear of being alone in the room. It takes a minute but her and Julchen manage to get her to go to sleep. They go to their own room across the hall hand in hand.

"I didn't know you could sing like that," Julchen says once their door is closed. Amelia shrugs. She never thought her voice was good. Then again, she never got complimented for it either.

"You should sing more if you like it," It's Julchen's turn to shrug. Amelia smiles as she climbs into her bed. She sits against the wall criss cross. She changed into shorts and her leg scars are exposed. She runs her fingers over them. Julchen takes her hand from their path and kisses her wrist. She snickers when Amelia pulls away with a roll of her eyes. Julchen hops onto her bed with her and sits criss cross as well. Amelia scoots over so their knees are touching. Julchen takes her hands and rubs her thumbs over the skin.

"I wanna try something," Julchen says, not taking her eyes away from their joint hands. Amelia nods, not taking her eyes away from their hands either. Julchen orders her to close her eyes and Amelia complies. She sits still. Over the past weeks she grew close to her roommate. They're friends for sure, but Amelia can't stop the bubble of happiness when their hands touch. She doesn't mind it. She waits patiently and nearly stops breathing when Julchen softly presses their lips together.

Amelia doesn't open her eyes when Julchen pulls away. A smile does break across her face though. She can hear Julchen snicker. They place their heads together, just enjoying the company of each other.

"You're the cutest damn thing I think I've ever seen. You're amazing," Julchen whispers to her. Amelia squeezes her hands tight. People have said that before to her, maybe without the swear, but it's nothing new. It still makes Amelia feel like she's on top of the world. She opens her eyes to see Julchen smiling sweetly at their hands laced together. Amelia leans forward to kiss her back. Julchen snickers when she pulls back. They share a goofy look then flop onto the bed to go to sleep.


	8. Week Eleven

"How has your day been so far?" Dr Carriedo smiles at her once they are both settled in their spots. Amelia opts to sit on the floor this time. She has her long sleeve shirt back on, but she's wearing shorts. Some stared at her legs, but she couldn't care. She's prouder of who she is now than she's ever been.

"Good. Me and Felicia talked about food during our walk this morning. She can cook apparently. I wanna try it," She smiles up at her therapist. Dr Carriedo scribbles something on her clipboard.

"Is it getting easier for you to deal with food?" Amelia scrunches up her face at the bold question. Most of the time Dr Carriedo would ask something opened ended. This feels oddly specific.

"Oh yeah totally. Sometimes, rarely, if I eat a little more than one full serving my stomach gets a little full and I panic for a moment. It never lasts. I just talk to someone about it and they tell me it's okay to feel bloated. I didn't even know bloated was a thing." Amelia taps her toes back and forth. She's so much more comfortable sitting in the office now.

"That's good, you know. You're making progress. Eating disorders are hard to overcome." Dr Carriedo praises her. Amelia runs her fingers through the carpet.

"What would have happened if I didn't stop?" She asks quietly. Dr Carriedo scribbles another something before answering.

"Well, for starters, you could have lost weight in an unhealthy fashion. There is also a possibility that the stomach acid would have ruptured your throat, making it impossible for you to breathe." Amelia inhales sharply at the explanation. She didn't know that could happen.

"It won't happen now that I've stopped right?" She glances up to the therapist. Dr Carriedo giggles slightly.

"It won't happen unless you do it constantly for long periods of time. And you've stopped." Amelia nods in confirmation to her unasked question. She doesn't want to throw up anymore. She clenches her hands around the threads beneath her fingers.

"Is there anything you wish to tell me about?" Dr Carriedo folds her hands on her lap. Amelia smiles up at her. The therapist's eyes are soft and green like grass.

"Have I ever told you about Maddie?" Amelia sits up a bit straighter. Dr Carriedo shakes her head.

"She's my sister. She's about a year younger than me. She's really smart. She came and visited. I was so happy she did. She told about how our parents are treating her like the new me." Amelia doesn't bother to hide her bitterness. She's starting to dislike her parents for their mistreatment of her. Dr Carriedo scribbles quickly.

"Are you worried for her?" Amelia chuckles at that. She shakes her head.

"Only a little. Maddie told me she wouldn't fall to their tricks. I'm proud of her."

"Do you envy that?" This makes Amelia pause. She never thought to be jealous of her sister. Amelia had to work for everything. She had no time to think about other people.

"A little. Mostly I'm just happy she's stronger than I was." Dr Carriedo is still scribbling when she asks, "Was?" Amelia smiles brightly at her. She feels like she's finally being the true Amelia. There is nothing holding her back anymore.

"I'm stronger now. I feel free to express who I am. I am not that girl my parents want me to be. I never fit that model in the first place. And I find I don't mind not being perfect. It's refreshing almost. There's nothing stopping me from being me anymore. I'm happy." Dr Carriedo smiles as she scribbles. Amelia waits patiently for her to talk, not having any more words for herself at the moment. Dr Carriedo frowns for a second before her soft smile is back.

"I do have one important question for you," Amelia pulls herself up onto the couch. She wants to be eye level, and professional, for Dr Carriedo. Her therapist folds her hands and regards her gently.

"Why didn't you talk in the beginning?" Amelia takes a deep breathe and releases it with puffed up cheeks. She had been expecting this question for a while now. It still managed to stump her though. She runs her fingers over her legs absentmindedly.

"I guess, I was trying to figure out how to act." She sniffs. Dr Carriedo asks her to elaborate for her to understand completely. Amelia takes a deep breath.

"When you would ask me a question or I was faced with a situation, I could always feel two parts of me. One wanted to be the preppy girl I had been raised to be. The other wanted me to be mean and spiteful and difficult. Neither felt right to do. So I stayed silent. I found middle ground, I found me, after my breakdown." Amelia rubs at one of her arms and laughs awkwardly. She smiles up at Dr Carriedo. The woman is smiling back at her. Dr Carriedo stands from her chair and places her clipboard on her desk.

"You know how you told me my smile looks like summer?" Amelia nods. She refuses to believe that Dr Carriedo isn't part summer at least. The woman smiles at her.

"Did you know you have a smile like sunshine?" Amelia's eyes go wide. She brings a hand to her face to touch her mouth. She can feel herself smiling. She laughs. It feels so amazing to express herself like this. She stands and head to the door.

"Miss Jones one last thing," Amelia stops at the door and twists around to her therapist. Dr Carriedo is sitting at her desk now, ruffling through some papers. She looks up and gives Amelia a smile like fall. Amelia lets her smile slip.

"This Saturday is family day."

* * *

Amelia paces right beside Felicia Saturday morning. They had a random group therapy session to talk about how they felt about it being parents weekend. The general consensus ended with 'I don't like it'. Then of course they had to talk about why. The general consensus for that question ended with 'it's going to suck.' Amelia and Felicia are walking around the room together. They both missed their morning walk for the group session. They are both going stir crazy having to sit and wait. They both agreed to walk slowly around the room. It's helping Amelia a little. Felicia already had a panic attack. She's on the verge of another.

Felicia had a panic attack when she first heard about family weekend too. She managed to forget about it. Now it's the day of and she's in full freak out mode. She asked twelve times if it was really today that everyone was coming. She asked fourteen times if she could just not show up. She's asked nine times if she looks alright. She's hyperventilated twice. She's said sorry more times than Amelia can count. She squeezes Felicia's hand once more to try and offer some sort of comfort. It helps very little.

"You're going to give me a panic attack," Julchen snickers from her lounging spot on the couch. Amelia glares at her and Felicia apologizes four more times. Amelia is nervous too. She doesn't think her parents will show up. Madeline probably will, and that's good enough for her. She doesn't need her parents here to make a mess of all she's worked hard for. Dr Carriedo and Dr Bonnefoy come into the visit room where they are waiting. Amelia and Felicia stop their walking when their therapists start to speak.

"When your family gets here, please introduce them to us. One by one we will take you and your family to the group session room to talk about your progress and what we could do to help you out at home." Dr Carriedo smiles and the two adults leave the room again. Amelia takes a deep breath and pulls Felicia forward to start walking once again. Julchen, Anya, and Chun-yan are sitting on the couch watching them walk in circles. Anya and Chun-yan are cuddled up while Juchen is sprawled out, almost bored with idea of family day.

Amelia wishes she had that kind of confidence. She's wearing her favorite pair of sweats and a loose t-shirt. So many people will see her scars today. She already prepared herself for their looks, but she knows it will be nothing compared to the real thing. When they get close enough Julchen reaches out a hand to take her unoccupied one. Amelia looks down at her. Julchen smiles and kisses the inside of her wrist for 'good luck'. Amelia takes a deep breath and keeps walking. Now it's more of something to do rather than a distraction from her nerves.

The first family to show up is Chun-yan's. She introduces them to her mother and father and her little brother. She makes sure after to tell them this is her adoptive family. She then introduces her family to them. Amelia smiles when she's mentioned and tries her hardest not to wince when the little boy's eyes widen at her arms. Dr Carriedo comes in a flash of light to introduce herself, Dr Bonnefoy right behind her. Felicia is breathing heavily so Amelia stands in front of her. They lock eyes and stare at each other. They breathe slowly together.

Felicia jumps out of her skin when her family comes through the door. She rushes forward and Amelia wonders if the word sorry sounds weird to her after saying it so often. She introduces her father and mother with little stumbling, then her grandfather and her brother with more stumbling. She's tripping over her words completely when she has to introduce them to her family. Amelia nearly says rules be damned to go over there and re-focus her friend. Dr Carriedo steps in first. She talks Felicia down from her near panic attack while Dr Bonnefoy introduces the rest of them.

Anya giggles and stands when her family comes in. She calmly introduces her two brothers, parents, and grandpa. Her siblings eye's also widen when they see Amelia's scars. Amelia is instantly reminded of the fact they were there when she exposed them to Arthur. She smiles softly. The older brother smiles back but the younger turns away sharply. Julchen's family comes in when Dr Carriedo introduces herself to Anya's family.

Julchen introduces her brother and father loudly. Amelia can tell they try not to stare when she waves to them. It then it hits Amelia. All of them here have a mental problem, but Amelia is the only one with physical proof. She immediately feels insecure. She wraps her arms around herself. She's the only one with scars on her arms. Now, she's also the only one without family around her. She stares at the door, willing Maddie to show up. Dr Bonnefoy comes and stands next to her. She places a hand on Amelia's shoulder reassuringly. Amelia doesn't look at her. She doesn't look when Julchen gives her a worried glance either. Her eyes are glued to the door.

It's an awkward ten minutes they wait for her family to show up. They don't. Amelia wipes away a stray tear. She tells Dr Carriedo to go on with the interviews and family talks. Her therapist doesn't want to, telling her they should wait. Amelia tells her no, they won't show, and to go on with the schedule. Amelia can see the internal conflict in her therapist's eyes. Dr Carriedo gives and calls Chun-yan and her family to follow the adults out of the room. Amelia collapses on to the couch. She pulls her legs up and hides her head. She feels mostly devastated that Maddie isn't there.

Julchen's arms are the first around her, snaking over her shoulders and pulling her close. Amelia lets her tears fall, but quietly. Felicia is next holding her hand gently. Anya comes closer to run a hand through her hair soothingly. Amelia focuses on breathing. She doesn't want to make this day about her. This is family day, and they have other people to deal with. She waves them off, telling them to go back to their family. Anya does so first. Felicia follows after. Julchen doesn't move. Her family comes closer instead. Amelia sits up and dries her tears off. Julchen firmly holds her hand.

It takes about half an hour for Chun-yan to come back. Her family looks uncomfortable, but less so. The boy is talking to his sister about some comic he's reading and Chun-yan is nodding along enthusiastically. The light chatter removes some tension in the room. Anya leaves with her family. Some of the tension returns the longer they're gone. It's about an hour before they come back. The grandpa is laughing while the parents are scowling. Anya is smiling at her brother's talking.

"Oh maple I am so sorry I'm late! It took far longer than I thought to get here!" Maddie bursts in panting. Her hair is a frizzy mess, but she's smiling widely. Amelia sees her bike resting against the window outside. She stands from her seat and Madeline sees her. Her sister smiles widely and Amelia goes to her. They hug tightly. Amelia starts to laugh and tears stream down her face. She doesn't want to let Maddie go. She does eventually to introduce her sister to the people around her. Maddie waves to them all and shakes Dr Carriedo's and Dr Bonnefoy's hand when they come up to her. Amelia guides her to the couch. Maddie sits beside of her. Julchen takes her hand from the other.

While Felicia is in her family session, Maddie tells why she took so long. First her parents refused to even think about the idea of coming to the facility. Then they refused to let Maddie go when she said she wanted to. So Maddie snuck out of the window, lucky her room is on the first floor. She got her bike and started riding. She got lost once. She smiles widely at Amelia though. That's all that matters to her really. Madeline showed up. That's all the family she needs.

Felicia's session ends in half an hour and Julchen's family stands for their turn. Just before they leave, Julchen kisses the inside of Amelia's wrist once more. She winks and follows after the adults and her brother. Madeline gives her a smirk. Amelia smirks when Lovino and Felicia come over to talk. Though Lovino is mostly talking to Madeline. Amelia doesn't mind. She takes Felicia's hand and breathes with her. Her session seems to have gone well, otherwise she'd be completely in tears.

Half an hour later Julchen reappears, laughing aloud to her smiling family. Dr Carriedo waves Amelia and Madeline over. They stand and head towards the hallway. There's a bang when the visitor door opens. Amelia can feel her heart drop at the sight of her parents standing in the doorway. Madeline hides behind her some. Amelia takes the hint and stands farther in front of her.

"There you are. Get over here now." Their mother points at the spot in front of her. Amelia doesn't know who she's talking to but her and Madeline both shake their heads in defiance. Their father growls and steps forward.

"You are grounded do you hear me? How dare you sneak out." He points a finger at Madeline. She hides more behind her sister. Amelia glares at him. Dr Carriedo and Dr Bonnefoy step in front of them. Amelia breathes a sigh of relief at their stand in.

"Mr Jones so good to finally meet you." Dr Carriedo goes up to him and holds out her hand business like. Dr Bonnefoy stays near them protectively. Amelia watches as her father cautiously takes the hand extended to him.

"I'm your daughter's therapist," She tells him. As if burned, their father pulls his hand away. Their mother turns her body away, sneering.

"My daughter doesn't have a therapist." He tells her. Dr Carriedo's smile falters just slightly before it's back to brimming with summer.

"Miss Amelia has been-"

"She's not my daughter." Amelia swallows her pain as she locks eyes with her father. She continues to glare. He looks away and back to Dr Carriedo. Something switches. Dr Carriedo stands straighter, holds her head just a titch higher.

"Mr Jones it is family day, and we've been having such a wonderful time. Won't you join us?" Amelia shivers at her therapist's tone. It's cold and reminds her of Anya. Her father falters just slightly. Dr Carriedo turns around and Amelia catches just a hint of her expression. It's dark and unforgiving before bursting back with spring. Dr Carriedo and Dr Bonnefoy sandwich the girls between them as they walk. Amelia appreciates that.

There are chairs set up, much like how Amelia is used to in group. She sits in the last chair of the ring. Maddie sits next to her, but their parents sit a chair away. Amelia doesn't mind. She holds Maddie's hand. For security reasons.

"Amelia how are you today?" Dr Carriedo address her first. Amelia gulps. She feels stuck between giving her preppy response, the one her father expects and the one she really wants to give. The air catches in her throat and she feels like it's the first day again. She starts breathing again when Maddie squeezes her hand. She tries again.

"I've been better," She just about whispers. Maddie squeezes her hand again in reassurance. Amelia takes a deep breaths. She can do this.

"And Miss Madeline, how are you?" Madeline smiles and answer softly. "Just fine." It's a bit clipped though, Amelia can tell. Maddie is mad.

"Now let's go over Amelia's progress," Dr Carriedo opens a folder on her lap. Amelia catches her parents stiffen out of the corner of her eye. Dr Bonnefoy catches it as well.

"Is something wrong Mr and Mrs Jones?" It's Amelia's turn to stiffen. Dr Bonnefoy only sounds like that when she wants them to answer her or calm down right away. It's her warning tone. Dr Carriedo peeks up from her papers. Their father shifts uncomfortably.

"I don't see the point." He says stiffly. Amelia frowns. So does Madeline. Dr Carriedo folds her hands over her lap.

"The point to what exactly?" She asks. Their dad scoffs.

"I don't see the point in going over progress when there is nothing that can be done." Amelia clenches her jaw tight. She stares straight ahead at Dr Carriedo's shoes. She felt it coming. She knew her father thought her a lost cause. It still hurt.

"Well I'm happy to report there has been progress then, Amelia is doing much better." Dr Carriedo smiles, a cold winter smile. Madeline turns to her with a smile on her face. Amelia smiles then. Seeing Madeline happy about her work makes her happy. She knows she's doing good here. Their dad scoffs again and the smile slips away.

"Something the matter Mr Jones?" Dr Bonnefoy addresses him again. He sits up straighter.

"She was perfectly fine before." Something about the way he barks out the word does something to Amelia. She wraps her free arm over her stomach. She feels like throwing up. Not because she wants to. She would rather keep her food down. She feels nauseous. She's come to hate that word. She feels a spike of anger. She stands up and displays her arms for her parents to see. Her mother stifles a gasp and their father barely looks.

"Does this look fine to you?" Amelia spits out. She flops back into her seat. Madeline puts an arm around her shoulder.

"Continuing on," Dr Carriedo cuts through the tension. "Amelia no longer harms herself, and we almost have a full recovery from her bulimia." Dr Carriedo flicks her eyes to Amelia and gives her a quick smile. Amelia takes a deep breath and tries to smile herself. She has made progress. Their parents stay quiet this time.

"Her self-image has improved tremendously." This time her mother scoffs. Amelia glares at the carpet. She's hit the memory of all the diets her mother put her on to get her 'down to size'. Amelia takes a deep breath. She's happy with her weight. She's a bit pudgy, but she likes it. She likes the squish. She likes that she likes the squish. It's empowering.

"Something you would like to say Mrs Jones?" Amelia glances to her group therapist. She has a strained smile on her face but a mischievous glint in her eyes. Amelia wonders if Dr Bonnefoy likes calling people out. Their mother straightens her posture and shakes her head. Both Amelia and Madeline know she's lying.

"Now, about her going back home," Dr Carriedo flips a paper over. She folds her hands back together and smiles like fall at the parents. Their father raises his head.

"She's not welcome there." Her father says. Amelia takes a deep breathe. She expected that. She a little surprised it doesn't hurt as much as she thought it would. Dr Carriedo glances back down to her lap then back up. Her smile is becoming more and more forced.

"Why not?" Amelia gulps and holds her breath. She didn't mean to ask aloud. She twists in her seat to face her father. She wants to see his face when he answers.

"Because you're not a part of this family."

"Yes she is," Madeline now twists to face him too. She's glaring at him. Their father raises his eyebrows at the rebellion.

"No she's not. She is-"

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here," Amelia interrupts him. She does nothing to hide her sour tone. Their father stares her down. She refuses to back away.

"I'm not what dad? Tell me. I'm not good enough to live in your house? I'm not smart enough? I'm not pretty enough? Or is it that I'm not perfect enough for you?" Amelia is sitting on the edge of her seat. Her voiced raised with every accusation. Their father still sits still. Their mom has her hands over her mouth.

"These are just flaws, a simple things we could have fixed if you-"

"How could you possibly hope to fix me when you are the one who caused it!" Amelia jumps from her seat. She glares angrily down at the man she once called father. She exposes her arms again.

"How would you have fixed this huh? What could you have done?" Amelia doesn't try to stop the tears from coming down her face. Her father tenses.

"Do not cry. It is not-"

"NO," Amelia shouts at him. She throws her arms up in the air and shouts at him. "I'm sick of not being able to express how I'm feeling. You have pushed me so hard to do what you want me to do. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate cheerleading and I hate advanced classes. I hate pretending to be your perfect little girl." Amelia points an accusatory finger at him. He stands and slaps it away from him. Amelia hisses and brings it to her body. Their father stomps out of the room. Their mother looks between them all, then follows after her husband. Amelia brings her hands over her eyes and cries. The doctors and Madeline come to her. A ginormous weight is off her shoulders.

Dr Carriedo goes over the last of the meeting with Madeline, finding her to be the guardian in this situation. She tells Madeline how Amelia needs positive reinforcement at home, reminders that she is good enough the way she is and the word 'perfect' should be avoided at all costs. Madeline nods along, absorbing all the information eagerly. Anything to help her sister. The part that's new to Amelia is when Dr Carriedo goes over her diagnosis.

"Amelia will be receiving some medicine for some minor anxiety. I do not believe she needs medication for depression, though the two go hand in hand. After she leaves here, she will need to see a therapist for at least another two months to make sure the medication is still working properly and that she doesn't need any more for depression." Dr Carriedo smiles at her. Amelia sniffs and tries to smile. Knowing fully what she needs is reassuring in a weird way.

"Where am I gunna go?" Amelia whispers. Dr Carriedo and Dr Bonnefoy exchange a quick glance. Dr Bonnefoy stands to come over to her. She places a hand on Amelia's shoulder and gives a light squeeze.

"We'll figure something out." She smiles softly at her and they leave the room.

They all sit in the visitor hall for another hour, talking and introducing people more personally. Julchen tells her brother proudly that Amelia is her girlfriend. Madeline nudges her shoulder in a 'I knew it' fashion. Amelia pushes her away with a smirk. Felicia has taken Julchen's brother's attention quite quickly. He's staring at her as she talks on and on, reminding her softly that she doesn't need to apologize when she says sorry. Madeline is giggling quietly at something Lovino said. Amelia takes this moment of distraction to kiss Julchen's cheek fondly. She whispers in her ear to tell her about what happened in the room. Julchen promises the same.


	9. Week Twelve

Monday morning there is a bottle of pills hand delivered to the room by Nurse Héderváry. He explains slowly the instructions even though they aren't that hard. The letter he hands Amelia from Dr Carriedo says the same thing. Take one pill in the morning when she wakes up and eat soon after, take another pill after lunch. Do not take any more than one at a time, do not take on an empty stomach unless eating soon. Even though she is underage, they tell her not to consume alcohol with the medication either. Her and Julchen take their pills together.

Amelia doesn't really feel the difference. The pills don't work magic for her. She guesses that's alright and they don't need to have a noticeable difference. At least not right away. She laughs and talks throughout breakfast, making jokes to make Felicia laugh so hard she starts to hiccup. This causes Chun-yan to spit out her milk all over her pancakes. Some other patients are giving them weird looks because they became that table, the one that talks way loud even though it's eight in the morning. Oops.

Felicia tells her all about how she believes the medication works. They are taking a similar kind, used most for anxiety. It's more of a nerve tonic to keep them from stressing out or overthinking things that just don't need to be thought about. It's a de-freakout-ifier. Amelia casually mentions Madeline. Felicia casually mentions Lovino, then Julchen. Amelia casually mentions Ludwig. Felicia goes on a ten minute tirade about how nice he acted towards her and wondering if it had been an act or if he really is just that kind. Amelia giggles at her.

"Morning Dr Carriedo," Amelia greets when the therapist opens the door. Dr Carriedo steps back to let her into the office. Amelia moves to the back of the couch and leans forward across it, sticking her legs underneath it. She paddles her hands against the leather seating. Dr Carriedo takes her seat in the armchair.

"And how has your day been Miss Jones? You got your medication this morning yes?" Amelia nods to her questions.

"I'm doing good. Took the pill just like instructed. Am I supposed to feel a change or is it subtle like?" She taps her toes together. Felicia can feel a difference some days, but her anxiety is worse.

"You'll feel it subtly if at all in about a week. It's not supposed to be a drastic change for someone with a minor case," Dr Carriedo smiles at her and scribbles a small something on her clipboard. Amelia plays with her fingers.

"Where am I supposed to go once I can leave here?" She says quietly. It's been bugging her for a while now. Her parents won't accept her back. They've made that very clear. Amelia doesn't really want to go back there either. Dr Carriedo clears her throat a bit.

"It's.. an up in the air kind of plan, but we do have a solution of sorts," Dr Carriedo folds her hands across her lap. Amelia sits up straighter at that. She didn't really expect to have an answer to her question just yet. Maybe in a week, but not now.

"Feel free to say no as well, you are under no pressure to accept." The doctor clarifies for her. Amelia nods. She knows whatever the plan is will probably be better than her home life, but it's nice to know she can back out of the solution and possibly find another one. She doesn't know how, but she'll find a way.

"Well, Dr Bonnefoy doesn't want to give birth, she's always liked children, which is why she works here, but she never got to have one of her own." Amelia scrunches up her face. She had no idea what Dr Bonnefoy not wanting to have children has to do with her. Dr Carriedo continues.

"If you would like, she suggested having you go live with her." Amelia blinks at her therapist with wide eyes. There's no way that could be possible. That has to be illegal somehow. She covers her mouth with her hand. Could she really live with someone who used to be her doctor? Dr Carriedo clears her throat again.

"We can always help you find another-"

"No! I mean yes! Ah! I would like to go with Dr Bonnefoy," Amelia smiles widely at Dr Carriedo. Having someone to be there for her, who knows who she is already and has helped become a better her would be amazing. Dr Bonnefoy has already been a better mother to her than her actual mother. Dr Carriedo gives a soft sigh of relief, a springtime smile on her face. Amelia starts to giggle. To finally have a home to love her and treat her the way she should be treated is making her cry. She lets her happy tears out.

After her and Felicia's second walk of the day, Amelia is nearly skipping to the productive room to tell Dr Bonnefoy she accepts the offer. Felicia is giggling with her. They hold hands outside the door. Felicia gives her one last squeeze then heads to her own single session. Amelia pushes open the door and smiles immediately at Dr Bonnefoy reading a book behind her desk. Dr Bonnefoy looks up when the door opens and smiles softly at her. Amelia walks around the desk towards the desk. She throws her arms around Dr Bonnefoy when she gets close enough. Dr Bonnefoy laughs lightly and hugs her back.

"I assume Dr Carriedo told you about my offer?" Amelia nods quickly and few tears slipping through her eyes. Dr Bonnefoy laughs again.

"Yes. Yes yes yes. I would be so happy." Amelia brushes the tears away from her face. She doesn't stop smiling. Dr Bonnefoy looks about ready to cry herself. They hug again before she tells Amelia to go sit and do her work. The other girls give her odd looks but she ignores them. She will tell them later about the new development of her home life. Right now she has calculus to do.

During group they talk about family day. They tell about how it felt to have their parents know all of their business. Majority of the end results came out better than they expected. They all expected their parents to be not so understanding. Their siblings had helped convince their parents this is okay and that their daughters are fine, just need some help to get there sometimes. Julchen brags a little that her family accepted it the easiest. Anya compliments her brothers ability to understand her situation. Chun-yan is just happy her brother isn't giving her worried looks anymore.

Amelia by far had the worst of the family days, since her parents walked out halfway through the session. She speaks quietly as she tells about how her father's anger and her mother's denial. She tells how unsurprised she was when they didn't show up. Madeline coming had been the highlight for her. Her sister is the only biological family she really needs. She cringes about the part she had yelled at her father. The girls support her though, telling her how proud they are and how her parents deserved to be yelled at. Amelia takes a deep breath.

They all sit around talking during visitor hour. No one has shown up for them and they don't expect them too. Family day had been so close there is no reason for any family to visit again. Amelia doesn't mind. She is a little worried about her sister though. She doesn't know how Madeline is holding up with her parents rage about being dragged into a therapy session. She only hopes Madeline can handle herself against them.

Creative hour proves fruitless. Amelia doesn't know what to paint. She puffs out her cheeks in annoyance. She hums to herself, then her humming turns to singing. Its soft but it helps her concentrate. She mindlessly paints lines across the canvas, blending colors and making it rainbow patterned. It's a silly looking painting but it makes her feel better. After all the anger and frustration she had when she first came here, she feels better. She feels healthier.

She hated it here at first. She hated everything and yet couldn't do anything about it. She felt numb almost. She didn't want to interact with anyone and she didn't want to do any of the activities. She didn't even want to talk. She spent a whole month in silence watching her group move on around her. They had never stopped supporting her. Even from the beginning they were willing to hold her and just respond to her silence. They accepted her with all her flaws because they knew she wasn't perfect to begin with. There had never been any pressure on her to be anything other than Amelia.

She pauses in her strokes. If the medication works she'll leave. She glances to the faces around her. A pit of nervousness worms inside her. She knows she has a place to go, but will she be back in school? Will it be the same school? How is she supposed to act there? She takes a deep breath. There are a lot of questions she doesn't have the answer to. She wonders if anyone has the answers. She glances to Julchen, sticking her tongue out at her painting, a smudge of blue on her cheek. Amelia giggles. Maybe no one has the answers but it'll be alright.

Julchen stops and looks at her. Amelia smiles at her. She never expected to come out of this place with a relationship. That had never been the plan, but she's so glad it worked out that way. Julchen always stood by her side and just let her be her. She feels comfortable with Julchen, more so than anyone else she's ever been with. Julchen winks at her then returns to her painting. Amelia thinks about leaving the facility. Will her and Julchen still be together even when she's gone?

Suddenly there's a glob of blue on her nose. Julchen is doing a terrible job of hiding her snickers. Amelia glares at her and puts a dabble of yellow on her other cheek. They both snap back to attention when Dr Bonnefoy scolds them for wasting paint. Julchen grabs her hand and kisses the inside of her wrist. Amelia sigh with a roll of her eyes. Maybe they won't be together forever, but right now she's happy with Julchen. She's happy where she is. That's a lot more than she had before.

Amelia informs her friends about the plan to live with Dr Bonnefoy after she's out of the facility. There's a collective cheer of happiness. Some ask questions, most of which she replies with 'I don't know', because she doesn't. She okay with that. It feels freeing to say she doesn't have the answer after so long of being told to figure it out. Anya points out it might be a bit weird living with someone who used to be her therapist. Amelia knows it could be different, and maybe difficult, but she's positive being at her old home would be so much worse. She'd be in better hands with an old doctor than her biological parents. There's a sudden topic of what plans are after they're out. Chun-yan wants to go into a quiet job, like some massage place or acupuncture. Anya wants to work in a flower shop somewhere warm. Felicia just wants to be able to paint more. Julchen goes off about wanting to get a job at Disneyland. Amelia doesn't know.

During their down hours, Amelia is called down to Dr Carriedo's office. They all give each other weird looks, not knowing what she's being called for. She knocks on the door like always and it's opened by Dr Bonnefoy.

"Miss Jones! Join us," Dr Bonnefoy waltzes back into the room. Dr Carriedo is smiling at her from behind the desk. Amelia takes a habitual seat on the couch. She swings her legs back and forth.

"We need to discuss you going to live with Dr Bonnefoy after your care here," Dr Carriedo informs her. Amelia nods, a smile gracing her features. She glances to Dr Bonnefoy with a giddy expression. Dr Bonnefoy is smiling right back at her. They discuss the ability to go to Amelia's house and retrieve her things. There is a mention of the legality of it all, having a talk with her biological parents about the change of housing for their daughter. Amelia cringes at that. She doesn't want to have to deal with those people any more than she already has. They talk about schooling as well as the future for Amelia. They will take her out of her old school and place her in a one closer to the facility and thus Dr Bonnefoy's place of residence.

"Amelia," Dr Bonnefoy starts, she has her hands tensed on her lap. Amelia dare say she looks nervous.

"You do know that you don't have to accept this offer." Amelia shakes her head violently, a scowl on her face.

"I want to. I want to go live with you," Amelia tells her reassuringly. Dr Bonnefoy talks a deep breath, a smile returning to her face. There's a little more talk about arrangements before Dr Carriedo lets it slip.

"You should be out in two weeks if the medication works," She smiles like summer and Amelia can feel a pit of uneasiness in weeks is so soon. She bites the inside of her lip. Her life completely changed for two months and now it'll be uprooted once again. She expresses her fears. The doctors console her, mentioning she would be able to visit the patients, the friends she made if she wants. Amelia would like that very much. She will not be going to school right away in order to give her time to adjust to her new surroundings. She will be a grade behind, but it will be a better suit for her. She doesn't mind.

She tells Julchen all about the meeting once they're back in the room. Julchen is a little miffed about her leaving so soon. Knowing Amelia will be able to visit calms her enough. She's cackling soon enough, saying how awesome it'll be for Amelia to be with Dr Bonnefoy. Julchen has been there long enough to know the group therapist is decent and would do Amelia good. It makes Amelia smile, having someone tell her that she can do good and will be in good hands. They sleep in the same bed that night.


	10. Going Home

Amelia is stealing that pair of sweats and no one can stop her. They are sandwiched between a few of the paintings she made over the past few weeks. She's also taking the sweatshirt she never took off either. Maybe a pair of shorts. Dr Bonnefoy may return them on her later, but for right now they are hers. Julchen laughs at her when she sees that. Amelia is back dressed in her clothes she first wore at the hospital. Her jeans and t-shirt. Her scars are peeking out, but she doesn't mind. Everyone has seen them now. It's Friday morning when she leaves.

She walks with her friends down to the visitor center. Dr Carriedo and Dr Bonnefoy are there waiting for her. Julchen holds her hand tightly. She's acting calm, but she cried a bit earlier in the morning over not being able to see Amelia everyday. She promised to visit, and write letters. Julchen pretends she didn't shed a tear, but Amelia knows. They pack her things into the back of Dr Bonnefoy's car and she turns back to her friends.

They are all standing at the entrance and staring at her. Felicia is crying and smiling and choking on her own breath. Chun-yan and Anya are smiling at her from the comfort of each other's hug. A new girl to their group named Regina, only a week ago or so, stands next to Felicia rubbing her hands over each other in a habit picked up from somewhere that she's admitted to being OCD. Her and Amelia got along well enough for only knowing each other such a short amount of time. Julchen being the closest to her has one hand in her sweats pockets, the other messing with her hair as she tries not to cry again.

Amelia goes to them, crashing first into Felicia who sniffles hard into her shoulder. Amelia whispers to her to promise she'll keep eating and enjoying her walks. Felicia may have said yes but it's hard to hear over all her blubbering. Regina gives her a hug a few times, just to make sure she gives the hug right and in the proper function. Amelia doesn't mind, letting her work out her mind fixes the best way she knows how. Chun-yan and Anya sandwich her in a hug, Anya picking the both of them up to squeeze the air of them. Amelia laughs but Chun-yan scolds Anya. She shares one more competitive like smile with Anya before turning to face Julchen.

Her girlfriend looks shaken, and is actually shaking. Her hand twitches back and forth and Amelia takes it gently to lift it to her lips and kiss the inside of her wrist. The action causes Julchen to sputter into laughter and wrap her in a tight hug. Amelia smiles happily into her shoulder, clinging tightly and never wanting to let go. They do pull back and Julchen puts their heads together.

"You'll come visit yeah?" She asks hopefully and Amelia answers her firstly with a quick kiss.

"As often as I can," She confirms and Felicia cheers first stealing their attention. Amelia laughs and kisses Julchen one last time before stepping farther out of her reach and to Dr Bonnefoy's car. She takes another step and her fingertips just barely grasps Julchen's in a small vain attempt to stay together. They lock eyes and smile brightly at each other before dropping their hands simultaneously.

Dr Bonnefoy's car is black and sleek. The inside is cozy enough and Amelia wiggles in her spot in the front seat. Dr Bonney drives her away from the facility. Amelia can't help but watch out the window as the place she felt the most comfortable in disappears from her sight. It's a quiet ride to where she used to live.

The house is tense and quiet as Amelia packs her things. Her parents fully ignore her. Madeline is at school. Dr Bonnefoy smiles in the doorway, actually enjoying the discomfort of Amelia's parents. A suitcase and two backpacks later, most of Amelia's stuff is out of her parents house and in Dr Bonnefoy's car. A weight is off her shoulders. Her old life is more than gone now. She's never felt more happy and more lost. A few happy tears escape her eyes and Dr Bonnefoy holds her hand lightly.

"What am I supposed to call you now?" Amelia asks once they enter a more residential area. Dr Bonnefoy hums in amusement.

"Well doctor is a bit over the top, and mom is not something I would ask of you. How about Marianne?" She gives Amelia a quick smile and pulls into a driveway. Amelia smiles to herself. She steps out of the car and looks up at the small house she will now be calling home. A better home than she used to have for sure. They spend the day unpacking her things into a room. They hang the paintings up. Marianne scoffs when she finds the stolen clothing items but places them in the correct clothing piles anyway.

The whole day they talk about things they like and how living with each other will work out. Amelia loves it. Her mother never wanted to spend time with her like this. Marianne offers to drive her around the neighborhood so she can get a feel of where she is, maybe even drive herself. Amelia tells her that they can do that later, for now she just wants to stay in and get settled into her new home. They do however, take a trip to the grocery store to fill up on good foods for dinner and the rest of the week. Marianne can cook and Amelia is excited to have food that isn't cafeteria styled.

She's left alone for about an hour when Marianne heads back to the facility for her job. She wanders around the house, flickering lights and testing out doors to see where they lead. She finds herself in the backyard, a small area with a tiny pool in the corner. She flops onto the grass and rolls around for a minute, acting like a dog. She laughs to herself. The clouds above her are making shapes and she takes the liberty to watch them. There's no pressure to study or work or do anything. She's going to take this moment to do nothing.

When the grass starts to tickle her nose she heads back inside. She pauses in the kitchen. There's a wooden block with knives sticking out. She takes a deep breath and blows a raspberry at them. She had to return the knife hidden in her room during her pack up. That had been awkward. She walked right past her parents and dropped the knife in the sink. Her mother gasped and her father flinched. She took a bit of pride in that.

She heads back to her room and smiles at the thought of her room. There are boxes still on the floor, having only been able to unpack half of it. She sets out putting clothes away and organizing her life once more. She scrounges for a trash bag and goes through her school work and papers she's made to keep herself in order. She tries on her clothes and sets aside the things she doesn't like or don't fit her. Her mother had forced her to get some of them, thinking it would make her look better even if it made Amelia uncomfortable. There's a lot of brightly colored patterned shirts she's getting rid of. She finds she rather likes the solid color look. There's also a lot of skirts being removed from her wardrobe. She keeps the cute ones. Does she really need ten pairs of shoes? Okay maybe she does. Those flats are ridiculously cute.

She's making a starfish on her floor in the middle of her boxes and bags when Marianne comes back. Amelia sits up and asks her how the others are doing. Marianne tells her honestly they miss her already, but tells her she can't visit for a week at least. Amelia needs some time away from the hospital. She can keep reminders and mementos but she can't be stuck in that way of life. Amelia nods in understanding. She needs to be settled in this life first so when she visits, it'll be a visit and not returning to the facility.

Marianne makes steak for dinner and Amelia is drooling at the smell of it. She almost can't wait to brag to Julchen about it. She'll hold on though. Everyone needs some time to be separated from each other and get used to the new way of living. She briefly thinks about getting in contact with Lene. Maybe later on they can both visit the institute together, surprise the others. It'd be fun.

She wears her stolen sweats to bed that night and buries herself in her blankets. It's an odd feeling to be wrapped in the familiar covers and yet in a completely different house. She stares at the ceiling. Everything is different once again. This home life should be better for her mentally, more supportive and more happy. Marianne promised to take her shopping for a few more clothes later in the week. Amelia told her she didn't have to, but Marianne wants to. She wants to show Amelia what she missed out on. Amelia takes a deep breath. She needs to get in contact with Madeline as soon as she can. She giggles at the thought of Maddie coming to live with her and Marianne. Maddie will just have to be strong.

She flops back into her pillow. Can she really be happy in this new life? What if she goes back to hurting herself. The nagging temptation will always be there in her mind. That small moment in the bathroom she thinks about sticking her fingers down her throat. She swallows down the fear of that feeling never going away. Living here will help she tells herself. Living somewhere supportive will help.

"Amelia? You still awake? I made hot chocolate~" Marianne knocks lightly on the door and practically sings through it. Amelia can't help but giggle and jump out from underneath the blankets. She joins Marianne in the kitchen at midnight for hot chocolate and extra marshmallows. She smiles widely. She can be better here. She doesn't have to be perfect. She can just be Amelia, and that's enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!  
> Regina is Nyo Lithuania by the way.


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